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Atomic Land Torpedo Row


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#1 Driver

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Posted 16 April 2009 - 15:51

ROOTERS - The months-long row in the Formula 1 paddock over cars equipped with Atomic Land Torpedoes has finally been put to rest by the FIA International Court of Appeal ruling that the torpedoes equipped on Brawn GP cars are within the regulations. All other Formula 1 teams had appealed to the ICA saying that using the torpedoes to blow up any cars that might pass a Brawn car was not within the spirit of the FIA technical regulations. The regulations have recently undergone a major overhaul with the intention of increasing on-track passing and more entertaining battles between drivers.

"These rockets are doing just the opposite," said Red Bull Racing's Adrian Newey in an interview with ROOTERS. He explained that "Drivers are reticent to pass a car when they are going to get blown up by a guided missile. Besides, according to section 11.1.1 a car should only have one braking system other than KERS and these rockets slow the car a little bit when they are launched. But now that they have been deemed legal, we will work night and day to make the most deadly rockets imaginable."

Ferrari team principal Stefano Domenicali has been outspoken in his opposition to the torpedoes, "These rockets clearly can't be legal since we didn't think of them first! I guess we're forced to add them now, even though it will cost us $30M to figure out the right shade of red to paint them."

Many drivers in the Grand Prix Drivers' Association have also come out against the torpedoes. According to Renault driver, and former World Champion Fernando Alonso, the torpedoes are "stupid and just make drivers look bad. It's hard to look cool when you're being blown up...not to mention the fact that [rockets] make our jobs unnecessarily dangerous and you could actually get hurt out here racing cars at 300km/h with a rocket chasing you." When ROOTERS was finally able to locate the rock that former World Champion Jacques Villeneuve is hiding under in the wilds of northern Ontario, Canada, the outspoken driver said, "Gosh...the F1 drivers these days are a bunch of wusses. If they could just get their panties unbunched maybe they'd realize that cars blowing up and crashing are great fun. That's why I'm in NASCAR now...sort of."

Brawn GP has consistently defended their rockets as not being specifically banned by any of the rules and regulations. Further, in an interview made up by Newds of the Wurld, team principle Ross Brawn cackled, "I told them so. Well, I didn't tell them so exactly, but I did tell them they should let me write the regulations. They ignored me, and now they are paying. Do you know how much it costs to glue all that carbon fiber back together after one of our rockets blows up a car? Muhahahahahahaha!"

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#2 Scotracer

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Posted 16 April 2009 - 15:55

:cool: :up:

#3 RoutariEnjinu

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Posted 16 April 2009 - 16:00

: Not as good at the one before for me. Where are you getting these from? The God one was SniffPetrolesque :up:

#4 Driver

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Posted 16 April 2009 - 16:05

Getting them out of the recesses of my brain. Your reviews and comments welcome. :)

#5 Redback

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Posted 17 April 2009 - 00:41

:up: :rotfl:

Keep them coming...

#6 aditya-now

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Posted 17 April 2009 - 00:50

Wow, excellent! Thanks :up:

#7 Rob G

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Posted 17 April 2009 - 02:25

I'll give you an extra point for resisting the urge to use the old "damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead" line. :up:

#8 Slartibartfast

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Posted 17 April 2009 - 10:16

I am looking forward to the end-of-year anthology already.

#9 BRK

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Posted 17 April 2009 - 10:20

I liked the bits about Alonso and Villeneuve.