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Write a letter to Bernie one line at a time!


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#1 Andrew Hope

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 17:21

All these boring best/worst threads are killing me, so let's have some fun. This thread is really easy to understand: we write Bernie Ecclestone a letter, one sentence at a time!

Rules are real simple:

  • You can make your sentence as long or as short as you want.
  • The funnier the better.
  • After 100 posts I'll compile it all and edit it into the first post (i.e. this one) and we can read it all in one go, for shits and giggles.
  • The less sense it makes the better, so don't be shy!
  • You can contribute more than one line, but please try to wait for at least 5 people to post before you go again!

I will write the first line to start us off, and our letter opens like this:

Dear Bernie,

First of all, I must congratulate you on the 2012 Formula One season, which was such a smashing success I know you're not just a pretty face, or even one.


Your turn!

Edited by Andrew Hope, 20 December 2012 - 18:59.


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#2 Red17

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 17:45

Oh, sorry, I did not mean to imply you have a punchable face.

Edited by Red17, 20 December 2012 - 19:48.


#3 jonpollak

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 17:58

That being said, I wouldn't mind being your pool boy or help mow your various lawns.

Jp

#4 Kvothe

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 18:04

Especially if one Tamara Ecclestone happens to be floating nearby in her bikini, but anyway I digress...

Edited by Kvothe, 20 December 2012 - 18:06.


#5 TheWilliamzer

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 18:18

Dear Bernie,

Please buy a new shirt!


#6 Andrew Hope

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 19:04

Or a shirt factory, whichever's easier.

#7 jonpollak

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 19:17

Textiles... That's the ticket.
Not effected by the Internet or trends.
Everyone needs a shirt on their back, even Sheiks and those nice people eating Chinese food.

Jp

#8 Buttoneer

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 19:21

Note that JP, when drafting for this letter, broke rule five which means some of your letter was written by an ASSHAT.

#9 Superbar

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 19:25

Maybe you could arrange a Grand Prix in it

#10 jonpollak

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 20:02

I failed to read the rules.
I am therefore DISQUALIFIED

Bad Jp

#11 Tsarwash

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 20:11

Can you also please arrange for Jp to be suitably punished, I'm sure you have acquaintances you have experience in this.

#12 PayasYouRace

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 20:12

I can assure you that Tamara is safe and sound and details of her ransom amount will be given below.

#13 nordschleife

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 20:22

For ransom read bribe which, as you've testified, is perfectly acceptable when you are the payer so no problem, right?

Edited by nordschleife, 20 December 2012 - 20:33.


#14 TheUltimateWorrier

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 21:04

Bernie,

Your face looks mean like Halloween going beep, beep, beep down Sesame Street, with Ferrari in your ear with a can of beer and Max Moseley up your butt with a coconut.


#15 Obi Offiah

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 21:21

Note that JP, when drafting for this letter, broke rule five which means some of your letter was written by an ASSHAT.

:rotfl:

#16 R Soul

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 21:23

Anyway, now that I've got that out of my system, I should point out that a viable alternative to the ransom will be for you to reduce the cost of F1 broadcasting rights to no more than $10 per year for free-to-air broadcasters.

#17 Vepe1995

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 21:33

And while you're doing that, I'd like to suggest that you'll make sure that you listen to what fans say and actually do like they propose and not the opposite, or the ransom will double.

#18 Slartibartfast

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 21:52

Further to our telephone conversation, please sign the enclosed contract, making over all marketing rights to Formula One in perpetuity to Slartibartfast Extortions Enterprises. You will receive the photos of Max and Tamara by return of post.

#19 Shiroo

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 21:54

On a serious note, what are yours daughter 3 sizes?

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#20 LuckyStrike1

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 21:54

Having said all that though, I must go back to my previous point which was that your face is indeed punchable. Do you really use Aloe Vera?

Edited by LuckyStrike1, 20 December 2012 - 21:55.


#21 Andrew Hope

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Posted 20 December 2012 - 22:16

Hell, did you demand stepped noses this year in the hopes of making F1 cars more closely resemble your battered face?

Edited by Andrew Hope, 20 December 2012 - 22:17.


#22 zepunishment

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 00:05

Also I've hear you've built the world's largest needle in order to try and get a camel through it; may I assume that perhaps the end of your reign is near?

#23 R Soul

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 02:23

If that's correct have you thought about the coronation of your successor?

#24 ViMaMo

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 03:34

Bernie where do you hide your pensieve? We'd like to pi55 in it

#25 Nobody

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 03:49

C you next tuesday

#26 Glengavel

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 07:29

Why don't you have that nice Jackie Stewart round for a chat, I'm sure the two of you would get on like a house on fire and he's bound to have a lot of great ideas which is useful since you obviously ran out of them a few years back.


#27 Red17

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 09:02

Almost forgot, do not even think about sending your goons Pastor and Romain after us, we have hired a triple of Nascar boxers to keep the tabs on them.

#28 Cool Beans

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 09:26

Also if you do end up sending Pastor and Romain after me, I hope they travel by car. Might I suggest a playful race between the two of them on their way to get me?

#29 LuckyStrike1

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 09:55

That's about that, I'm sure you will agree to these terms. Now I'd like to move on to something completely different.

#30 KingB

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 09:59

I invite you to my new Grand Prix Track in Kyrgyzstan. I drew some lines on the most famous parking space in the country. Please visit us soon.

Edited by KingB, 21 December 2012 - 09:59.


#31 noikeee

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 10:05

We also feel our highly trained GP driver Borat Kalashnikov is ready to step up to F1, after all he's the reigning Formula Lada Kyrgyzstan vice-champion, and would be prepared to do inexplicable spins and crashes into the barriers at carefully selected timings to spice up the races through safety cars.

#32 Taxi

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 10:17

Yep, Boris, I mean, Borat, would make Romain Grosjean look like an amateur crashing. We guarantee you half the field every 3 GP's. Of course, in case of finishing 6 laps we will ask for some bonus.

Edited by Taxi, 21 December 2012 - 10:17.


#33 Andrew Hope

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 10:26

As you may recall, this is the same Borat Kalashnikov of the recent Youtube fame resulting from when, in what was destined to be a short-lived spectacle, he attempted a two-wheeled victory lap after securing the title during the season's final round of the championship in the parking lot of Kyrgyzstan's biggest Walmart, only to crash when a bitter rival used his entire race's stock of Formula LadaTM bananas and turtle shells all in one go to thwart our driver's attempts to celebrate his victory.

#34 LuckyStrike1

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 10:27

It's also important at this time that we don't have a problem with your proposed fee for organising a Grand Prix, however we would like to strongly propose to make the payment of the fee to you personally in cash.

#35 noikeee

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 10:43

Presuming it's not a massive inconvenience to you if said cash fee was delivered in 2 cent coins of Kyrgyzstanian Rubles.

#36 Red17

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 11:17

I am sure your former associate Scrooge McDuck will gladly provide you tips on the best transportation method.

Edited by Red17, 21 December 2012 - 12:25.


#37 R Soul

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 12:18

I can also guarantee a very exciting race because we will have sprinklers that make the track damp enough for the safety car to come out.

#38 LuckyStrike1

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 12:22

And anyone who is winning too much, and you get to decide how and when that is, will be shot. We will also have a lottery to give each driver a random car. This we call the Bernie and I'm sure you will appreciate it.

#39 matzy

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 12:23

We have the finest hospitality lined up for your premium guests. My cousin has cleared out the cow shed, and you would be surprised quite how good it is looking in there. Imagine "Silverstone" but smelling a bit less like cow sh*t.

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#40 KingB

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 13:10

Speaking of cow sh*t: could you send me some of your christmas cards? I need them.

#41 string158

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 13:58

I'd like to propose an idea for a new French GP, given the success of the Tour De France in recent years I would suggest a Tour De France Grand Prix be added to the calendar.

#42 Andrew Hope

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 15:25

To add to the races excitement and combat any issues with Pirelle over-reliability, we have taken the effort to arrange dozens of piles of nails scattered randomly throughout the track, which we feel will really make the race thrilling, because after all, in Soviet Russia, nails bite you!

#43 STRFerrari4Ever

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 17:28

What's that? Oh you require £25million for us to host the race, well can we partly pay you with rigged television ratings?

#44 Jay101

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 18:33

and a face lift?

#45 olliek88

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 19:32

And a new colostomy bag?

#46 Buttoneer

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 19:54

Hahahaha, so anyway Bernie, forget everything I wrote above because they are the utterings of my brother, yes, that's it, my brother, who has hacked into my computer and written that lot indelibly at the top of all documents I ever write (and make me wish I has bought Apple instead), and what I really wanted to say was how fabulous I think you are and that my total physical attraction to you has nothing - at all - to do with your almost limitless wealth.

#47 sopa

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 20:08

Bernie, in addition to all the thoughts so far I want to inform you that I am fully prepared to support you and replace you in the long run as the King or Fuhrer of Formula One - I am in full admiration of you and ready to arrange a meeting to discuss the detailed analysis of our future co-operation in Formula One.

#48 STRFerrari4Ever

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 20:39

How's Max doing Bernie? Still on all fours? Can we expect the same from that bloke Toad or is it Todt, anytime soon?

Edited by STRFerrari4Ever, 21 December 2012 - 20:40.


#49 jonpollak

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 20:42

Oh sod the self imposed DQ

Dear Bernie;
Might you be so kind as to explain how an autocracy is so much more efficient and beneficial for the realisation of directives in a large sporting organisation.

The sentence 'Cuz I Said So' needs elaboration.

Jp

Edited by jonpollak, 21 December 2012 - 20:45.


#50 rijole1

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 23:24

While we are discussing important things, which of course must be discussed and solved Bernie, allways remember I love you,
I'm here waiting for you, when you realize that that woman and all these men are just after your money.