64 replies to this topic

[R Soul]

And on the subject of money, I recently received an email from a Nigerian doctor who needs somewhere to store his money, so if you give me all your bank account details I can pass them on to this trustworthy man.

[Superbar]

btw, I strongly feel that all the gridgirls, drivers and team staff should do the Gangnam style dance on the grid before race start.

[Jay101]

Or even during the race start could be good, what ever you think is best bernie, because we know you only want whats best for F1.

[Andrew Hope]

Speaking of grid girls, I have several ideas regarding them, the first of which is to ban any form of clothes as part of the FIA's noble attempts at cost-cutting, although knee-high socks and festive hats are still allowed, and nevermind worrying about any kids in the crowd, if they can handle blood and guts video games all day they can handle seeing a bit of clunge at the race track.

Edited by Andrew Hope, 22 December 2012 - 18:07.

[Red17]

Be sure to send the Hublot left-overs to the enclosed address, failure to comply will get you no pudding!

Edited by Red17, 22 December 2012 - 20:07.

[aditya-now]

That said, I conclude my letter and remain, as ever

Your truthful, faithful

F1 fan

with exhausted funds due to ticket prices and Sky television
no fun

P.S.: I love you, nonetheless, and will do so forever

[bourbon]

I've just seen a photo of you I have not seen before - you were apparently attacked by thieves. You look terrible. I have decided I don't love you after all. But I do still want your money.

[automovelbrilhante]

Oh and buy the whey... Good riddance uncle Bernard, enjoy your unsavory leave and serene extintion as a snoozy koala, braced to your gorgeous Brazilian wife like a broken, bulky rolex. You can always feed from the laurels of past sucksess. Ya earned it!

[Lotus53B]

Oh, and just in passing, a psychic friend of mine got a message from a Mr Ronnie B saying that he and all the boys are waiting to find out what you did with the rest of loot, and it won't be long till you can all catch up

[LuckyStrike1]

Off Topic: So did Bernie ever get this letter? 

[7MGTEsup]

Yours sincerely

 

Chase Carey

[Gretsch]

PS. In the light of recent events I'll reserve the right to change all but one of my opinions in  future correspondance

[7MGTEsup]

Dear Bernie,

First of all, I must congratulate you on the 2012 Formula One season, which was such a smashing success I know you're not just a pretty face, or even one.

Oh, sorry, I did not mean to imply you have a punchable face.

That being said, I wouldn't mind being your pool boy or help mow your various lawns. Especially if one Tamara Ecclestone happens to be floating nearby in her bikini, but anyway I digress...  Please buy a new shirt! Or a shirt factory, whichever's easier.

Textiles... That's the ticket. Not effected by the Internet or trends. 
Everyone needs a shirt on their back, even Sheiks and those nice people eating Chinese food. Maybe you could arrange a Grand Prix in it ?

Can you also please arrange for Jp to be suitably punished, I'm sure you have acquaintances you have experience in this.

I can assure you that Tamara is safe and sound and details of her ransom amount will be given below. For ransom read bribe which, as you've testified, is perfectly acceptable when you are the payer so no problem, right? 

Your face looks mean like Halloween going beep, beep, beep down Sesame Street, with Ferrari in your ear with a can of beer and Max Moseley up your butt with a coconut. 

 

Anyway, now that I've got that out of my system, I should point out that a viable alternative to the ransom will be for you to reduce the cost of F1 broadcasting rights to no more than $10 per year for free-to-air broadcasters. And while you're doing that, I'd like to suggest that you'll make sure that you listen to what fans say and actually do like they propose and not the opposite, or the ransom will double.

Further to our telephone conversation, please sign the enclosed contract, making over all marketing rights to Formula One in perpetuity to Slartibartfast  Enterprises. You will receive the photos of Max and Tamara by return of post.

On a serious note, what are yours daughter 3 sizes?

Having said all that though, I must go back to my previous point which was that your face is indeed punchable. Do you really use Aloe Vera? 

Hell, did you demand stepped noses this year in the hopes of making F1 cars more closely resemble your battered face?

Also I've hear you've built the world's largest needle in order to try and get a camel through it; may I assume that perhaps the end of your reign is near? 

If that's correct have you thought about the coronation of your successor? 

Bernie where do you hide your pensieve? We'd like to pi55 in it 

C you next Tuesday!

Why don't you have that nice Jackie Stewart round for a chat? I'm sure the two of you would get on like a house on fire and he's bound to have a lot of great ideas which is useful since you obviously ran out of them a few years back.

Almost forgot, do not even think about sending your goons Pastor and Romain after us, we have hired a triple of Nascar boxers to keep the tabs on them. Also if you do end up sending Pastor and Romain after me, I hope they travel by car. Might I suggest a playful race between the two of them on their way to get me? 

That's about that, I'm sure you will agree to these terms. Now I'd like to move on to something completely different.

 

I invite you to my new Grand Prix Track in Kyrgyzstan. I drew some lines on the most famous parking space in the country. Please visit us soon. We also feel our highly trained GP driver Borat Kalashnikov is ready to step up to F1, after all he's the reigning Formula Lada Kyrgyzstan vice-champion, and would be prepared to do inexplicable spins and crashes into the barriers at carefully selected timings to spice up the races through safety cars. Yep, Boris, I mean, Borat, would make Romain Grosjean look like an amateur crashing. We guarantee you half the field every 3 GP's. Of course, in case of finishing 6 laps we will ask for some bonus. As you may recall, this is the same Borat Kalashnikov of the recent Youtube fame resulting from when, in what was destined to be a short-lived spectacle, he attempted a two-wheeled victory lap after securing the title during the season's final round of the championship in the parking lot of Kyrgyzstan's biggest Walmart, only to crash when a bitter rival used his entire race's stock of Formula LadaTM bananas and turtle shells all in one go to thwart our driver's attempts to celebrate his victory. It's also important at this time that we don't have a problem with your proposed fee for organising a Grand Prix, however we would like to strongly propose to make the payment of the fee to you personally in cash. 

 

Presuming it's not a massive inconvenience to you if said cash fee was delivered in 2 cent coins of Kyrgyzstanian Rubles? I am sure your former associate Scrooge McDuck will gladly provide you tips on the best transportation method. I can also guarantee a very exciting race because we will have sprinklers that make the track damp enough for the safety car to come out. And anyone who is winning too much, and you get to decide how and when that is, will be shot. We will also have a lottery to give each driver a random car. This we call the Bernie and I'm sure you will appreciate it. 

 

We have the finest hospitality lined up for your premium guests. My cousin has cleared out the cow shed, and you would be surprised quite how good it is looking in there. Imagine "Silverstone" but smelling a bit less like cow sh*t. Speaking of cow sh*t: could you send me some of your christmas cards? I need them. 

 

I'd like to propose an idea for a new French GP, given the success of the Tour De France in recent years I would suggest a Tour De France Grand Prix be added to the calendar. To add to the races excitement and combat any issues with Pirelle over-reliability, we have taken the effort to arrange dozens of piles of nails scattered randomly throughout the track, which we feel will really make the race thrilling, because after all, in Soviet Russia, nails bite you! 

 

What's that? Oh you require £25million for us to host the race, well can we partly pay you with rigged television ratings?  and a face lift? And a new colostomy bag? 

 

Hahahaha, so anyway Bernie, forget everything I wrote above because they are the utterings of my brother, yes, that's it, my brother, who has hacked into my computer and written that lot indelibly at the top of all documents I ever write (and make me wish I has bought Apple instead), and what I really wanted to say was how fabulous I think you are and that my total physical attraction to you has nothing - at all - to do with your almost limitless wealth. Bernie, in addition to all the thoughts so far I want to inform you that I am fully prepared to support you and replace you in the long run as the King or Fuhrer of Formula One - I am in full admiration of you and ready to arrange a meeting to discuss the detailed analysis of our future co-operation in Formula One. 

 

How's Max doing Bernie? Still on all fours? Can we expect the same from that bloke Toad or is it Todt, anytime soon?

 

Might you be so kind as to explain how an autocracy is so much more efficient and beneficial for the realisation of directives in a large sporting organisation.

The sentence 'Cuz I Said So' needs elaboration.

 

While we are discussing important things, which of course must be discussed and solved Bernie, allways remember I love you,
I'm here waiting for you, when you realize that that woman and all these men are just after your money. And on the subject of money, I recently received an email from a Nigerian doctor who needs somewhere to store his money, so if you give me all your bank account details I can pass them on to this trustworthy man. 

 

btw, I strongly feel that all the gridgirls, drivers and team staff should do the Gangnam style dance on the grid before race start. Or even during the race start could be good, what ever you think is best bernie, because we know you only want whats best for F1.  Speaking of grid girls, I have several ideas regarding them, the first of which is to ban any form of clothes as part of the FIA's noble attempts at cost-cutting, although knee-high socks and festive hats are still allowed, and nevermind worrying about any kids in the crowd, if they can handle blood and guts video games all day they can handle seeing a bit of clunge at the race track. 

 

Be sure to send the Hublot left-overs to the enclosed address, failure to comply will get you no pudding! 

 

I've just seen a photo of you I have not seen before - you were apparently attacked by thieves. You look terrible. I have decided I don't love you after all. But I do still want your money. 

 

Oh and buy the whey... Good riddance uncle Bernard, enjoy your unsavory leave and serene extintion as a snoozy koala, braced to your gorgeous Brazilian wife like a broken, bulky rolex. You can always feed from the laurels of past sucksess. Ya earned it!  Oh, and just in passing, a psychic friend of mine got a message from a Mr Ronnie B saying that he and all the boys are waiting to find out what you did with the rest of loot, and it won't be long till you can all catch up

 

P.S Has it slipped you mind that you still owe me £5 for the fish & chips that I bought your mechanics at Brands Hatch when you disappeared upon hearing the price? 

 

Yours sincerely

 

Chase Carey

[Nemo1965]

Dear Bernie, now that my father has been dead for twenty years I am in liberty to ask you: where did you bury the loot of that job commonly called 'The Great Train Robbery', but that you probably know as 'The start of my career in motorracing'?

[Andy35]

Dear Mr Ecclestone

 

Looks like you have gone from Berni Inn to Berni Out .....