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Headlines you won't see in 2013


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#1 pinkypants

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 22:56

It seems like a long time until the season officially kicks off so how about this to pass the time!!

Apologies if this has already been posted but I saw this on another forum and thought I'd share :lol:

Came across this on OffOnF1, made me chuckle.

Quote:

✺ KIMI LAMENTS LACK OF RADIO CONTACT

» "Tell me what I'm supposed to be doing!" yells Finn

✺ BERNIE TO GO ON OPRAH WINFREY

» Ecclestone says if Lance can do it, so can I

✺ LAUDA AND STEWART SAY "NO COMMENT"

» Ex champs' refuse to give opinions in 2013

✺ PIRELLI TYRES TOO PREDICTABLE SAY TEAMS

✺ *"IT'S FELIPE'S TURN" *

» Alonso backs Massa title bid in Australia

✺ "MY CAR IS PERFECTLY BALANCED!"

» Jenson says every change he made before qualifying made the car go quicker

✺ MONTEZEMOLO WANTED V6 TURBOS A YEAR EARLIER

» "I love tiny turbo-charged engines" Ferrari chief waxes lyrical

✺ MARK WILL BE NEXT RED BULL CHAMP : MARKO

» Helmut admits he was wrong

✺ BRAZIL GRAND PRIX IS GROSJEAN'S FIRST DNF OF 2013

» 'Mr Consistency' finally retires from a race

✺ VETTEL LAID BACK ABOUT RED BULL UNRELIABILITY

» "I laugh when I hear playbacks of me yelling 'Do something!' on team radio" admits Seb

✺ MOVING TO MERC WAS MY BEST EVER DECISION : HAMILTON

✺ AUTOSPORT EYES NEW HEADLINE VERB FOR PREVIEWS

✺ MALDONADO ADMITS "IT WAS ALL MY FAULT"

» Williams driver asks for 27 other events to be taken into account

✺ SERGIO TOO PATIENT FOR HIS OWN GOOD: SAYS WHITMARSH

✺ FERRARI SIGN UP ALGUERSUARI TO CORNER SPANISH DRIVER MARKET

» Alonso, Gene and de la Rosa welcome Jaime aboard

✺ SANTANDER ASK MASSA TO CHANGE NATIONALITY

» Along with Roberto Smedley-Rivera and Stefano Domenicali-Lopez

via: OffOnF1
http://offonf1.com/m...512806/13-01-19


VETTEL MOVES TO CATERHAM
- Vettel says "winning from the front is too easy"

DI RESTA MAKES A FUNNY
- Scott Paul Di Resta shows some personality when he gave the press conference a well timed knock knock joke

"THERE WILL BE NO MORE PARTYING FOR ME"
- Kimi Raikkonen has given up the booze to focus completely on his racing career

HRT RETURNS
- F1 Team HRT returns to the F1 scene after finding extra funding "It was hidden under a mattress"

F1 SEX SCANDAL
- New reports emerging of F1 Driver Lewis Hamilton having a sleep over with new team mate Nico Rosberg, Hamilton before the media defended his actions by stating "Well he's the closest one who looks like a girl in the paddock"

MAX CHILTON RETIRES
- Chilton says hes achieved everything he wanted to in the sport

NO SECOND DRIVER AT FORCE INDIA
- Team boss Vijay Mallaya has revealed why its taken so long to reveal the second seat, "I was going to find someone, but the Big Bang Theory was on then I had to get some milk at the Delhi"

WEBBER PLEASED WITH RELIABILITY
- The Australian has finished the season with absolutely nothing breaking on his car.

BUTTON CONFUSED
- The McLaren driver went to Dublin instead of Melbourne for the opening round of the F1 season. Martin Whitmarsh found the funny side however, "It's just like that China pitstop from 2011 again"

ALONSO HAS NO NEW LOOK
- Fernando Alonso has promised not to change his facial hair or hair cut at any point during the season

PEREZ REGRETFUL
- Perez has regretted his move to McLaren with some critical comments to the team, "The car is shit" and "Why must I drive it in reverse?" among the most revealing.

NEWEY TAKES VERGNES SEAT
- Red Bull techincal director has decided to race in Vergnes Torro Rosso to get a better understanding of the Pirelli tyres.

RICCARDO vs GROSJEAN HEATING UP
- F1 Drivers Riccardo and Grosjean are neck and neck in the standings for cheesiest smile, with Grosjean slightly ahead with a longer neck.

BRUNDLE REVOLUTIONISES F1
- Commentator Martin Brundle has decided to commentate the F1 season in the style of interpretive dance.

SOUTH AFRICAN GRAND PRIX
- Bernie Eccelstone has signed a new contract to hold a race in South Africa, "I'm sure we can replace one of the Middle East races, it's not like we need the money"

MASSA WILLING TO GIVE ALL FOR FERRARI SUCCESS
- Felipe Massa has literally given his right arm to help his team mate Fernando Alonso, team bosses are not convinced of the effectiveness but are praising Massa's commitment, "I would have stopped when I hit the bone, but kudos to him as he just kept on going" says Christian Horner

THE DRIVERS ARE IMPORTANT
- Team Boss Frank Williams has revealed in a close and personal interview that the drivers are the ones that really matter in a team.

SAUBER FORGET CRITICAL COMPONENT
- The Sauber team has confirmed that they forgot to add an accelerator pedal to the car, Sauber's Technical Director says "Well we were trying to save weight and overlooked the importance of this feature"


http://forum.planet-....php?f=3&t=5941

To kick things off..!!!

RON DENNIS - MY HEART IS STILL BROKEN
- Ron Dennis admits that he is still coming to terms with the 2008 World Champion leaving the Woking squad.

Edited by pinkypants, 22 January 2013 - 23:07.


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#2 jonpollak

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 23:08

Ah the cut and paste internet brigade.
It wasn't all that funny when I read it on those other sites either

Not that it's a bad thing you put it here..
Just saying
Jp


#3 pinkypants

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 23:09

Ah the cut and paste internet brigade.
It wasn't all that funny when I read it on those other sites either

Not that it's a bad thing you put it here..
Just saying
Jp


Can't please everyone - and I'm sure we can all come up with better ones :)

Edited by pinkypants, 22 January 2013 - 23:10.


#4 Kingshark

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 23:12

Alonso: Vettel is my closest rival.

Vettel: I am fighting Pat Fry.

Ross Brawn: The next circuit wont suit our car any better.

Toto: Mercedes do not need another technical director.

Mark Webber: KERS is working.

#5 ensign14

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 23:19

Why is it that when I saw this one...

✺ BERNIE TO GO ON OPRAH WINFREY

» Ecclestone says if Lance can do it, so can I


...I thought of this? :well:

#6 jonpollak

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 23:32

Headlines you won't see in 2013..

VILLA WIN A FOOTBALL MATCH.
Jp


#7 Watkins74

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 23:42

RAIKKONEN FIGHTS FOR FANS

~ Finn says drivers should give press more in-depth interviews

#8 weareracing

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 23:44

Thank You JP.
As a Bradford City fan I was wondering how................................................... :smoking:

#9 Skinnyguy

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Posted 22 January 2013 - 23:45

- Mark Webber is the best starter of the F1 2013 championship, with 20 places won in the first 7 races. "I´ve found some really good clutch settings", said the Australian.

- Alonso hails Ferrari 2013 car: "We have the best package, no doubt".

- Singapore 2013 GP, hailed as "best race ever" by F1 fans. When we thought the Indian GP last week couldn´t be improved, Singapore went one step further.




#10 Crossmax

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 00:03

Ecclestone vows to have more European races - Bernie Ecclestone believes Formula One has "substituted enough real racetracks with Asian parking lots".

#11 R Soul

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 00:10

Sponsors unite to call for a cap on broadcast fees - "We need more viewers" says joint statement.

#12 weareracing

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 00:15

Celebrities and hangers'on BANNED from the F1 paddock by Ecclestone.
This is all about racing he insists, the media circus has NO PLACE at the heart of a sporting event. :eek:

#13 BigCHrome

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 01:04

McLaren win a championship.

#14 Tsarwash

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 02:32

McLaren win a championship.

There's always one, isn't there ? A nice light hearted, jokey thread, and somebody just can't help themselves. Welcome to the world of ignore.


#15 Jovanotti

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 06:22

HERMANN TILKE RESIGNS FROM TRACK DESIGN
"Frankly, I've run out of ideas a bit, and it's time for some other track designers to get their opportunity."

NRA NEW TITLE SPONSOR OF USA GP
Promoters yesterday proudly announced the new title sponsor for this years US Grand Prix in Austin, Texas. It is understood that the deal not only comprises track side advertisment and major redisigning of the victory trophies (a misteriously grinning David Keene, NRA president: "..we already got some ideas..") but also the financing of the new "Charlton Heston Boulevard" track access road. Safety Car will be a Chevy Crossfire.

Edited by Jovanotti, 23 January 2013 - 08:13.


#16 SUPRAF1

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 06:42

JOE SAWARD CAUGHT LEAVING HOTEL ROOM WITH VIJAY MALLYA :rotfl:

#17 teejay

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 07:10

"Nick Fry arrives at Brackley for his first day of work in 2013"

#18 Jimisgod

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 07:49

BACKMARKERS: WE'RE SEEKING TALENT OVER MONEY

#19 Giz

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 07:57

AUTOSPORT FORUM USERS REACH CONSENSUS

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#20 Victor_RO

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 08:16

"Ferrari and McLaren to leave F1 and start work on LMP1 cars with immediate effect"

#21 teejay

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 08:27

"Bernie discounts race fees across the board"

#22 Nemo1965

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 08:30

"Bernie discounts race fees across the board"


Good one. Here's mine:

'Hamilton fanclub lauds Buttons 2nd worldchampionship'


#23 Bloggsworth

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 08:31

Brawn leads Mercedes to double championship, or even one championship...

#24 BullHead

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 08:38

Ticket prices lowered to improve F1 popularity

#25 Les

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 08:47

F1 SEASON DISAPPOINTS
F1 2013 not as exciting as last year say Sky Sports.

#26 Victor_RO

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 09:06

"Mercedes sacks Hamilton before first race, hires Dario Franchitti as replacement, Hamilton takes Dario's place at Ganassi"

EDIT:

And subsequent headlines on the subject:

May: "Hamilton shock winner of Indianapolis 500 in last-corner move"

November: "Dario Franchitti F1 World Champion"

#27 Tony Mandara

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 09:08

Paul Hembry: "I don't want to talk about tires anymore. How were your holidays?"

Niki Lauda:"The team needs more technical expertise."

Adrian Newey: "We can't be bothered."

Edited by Tony Mandara, 23 January 2013 - 09:18.


#28 Jimisgod

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 09:25

EVERYONE IN F1 NOW WORKING FOR MERCEDES

Oh wait... headlines we won't see

#29 teejay

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 09:40

"Red Bull does not have a party full of F1 media 10 minutes after winning a race"

#30 Zoetrope

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 09:43

SCHUMACHER AND JUAN PABLO MONTOYA TO DRIVE FOR FORCE INDIA IN 2013

#31 dau

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 09:54

F1 fans agree: 2013 season one of the best ever
"I can't even think of anything i would want to criticise", says one. "I've just had a lot of fun this year."

Teams act in unison for new Concorde Agreement
Montezemolo: "Only together we are strong."

F1 driver admits stupid mistake
"I have no idea what the hell i was thinking there."

Croydon F1 fans rejoice at Lewis Hamilton visit
"Why didn't i come here earlier?", Hamilton said.

#32 joshb

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 10:24

Vettel: I'm dropping the Finger celebration

Chilton 'disappointed' with 2nd

Felipe 'I was faster than Fernando'

di Resta 'Fails to mention he beat Vettel in F3'

Caterham score points

Marko: 'STR drivers not expected to win a race'

#33 Rob

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 10:30

Bernie: I'm broke, can anyone lend me a tenner?

#34 noikeee

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 10:38

MAX MOSLEY LAUDS RON DENNIS' BARBECUE

"Ron is a great cook.", said former FIA president Max Mosley. "He invited me for lunch the other day, and made me this most delicious ribs. We cracked jokes about spygate and spankgate all afternoon, and he didn't even get mad when I spilled a bit of sauce on the table. He is a great bloke."

KIMI RAIKKONEN APPOINTED NEW CHAIRMAN OF GPDA

Finnish driver Kimi Raikkonen has been voted in by his fellow drivers to replace the departing Pedro de la Rosa as the chairman of Grand Prix Drivers Association. "He has a natural talent for the political side of things and his communication skills will be a great asset in defending us all", said a fellow driving colleague.

DI MONTEZEMOLO SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS THE SMALL TEAMS

"We need to make sure the small teams aren't pushed out of the sport", said Ferrari's boss Luca di Montezemolo. "They are the heart of Formula 1 and it is sad they are having financial troubles.", he continued. "We ourselves at Ferrari started out as a small garagiste team many decades ago, and are really no better than anyone else - if we were not given the ability to compete at the time, we wouldn't be where we are now. If the sport is sustainable there's no reason the likes of Marussia and Caterham cannot become the future Ferraris. Perhaps we should look at cutting costs and reducing testing to give them a hand."

LEWIS HAMILTON REVEALS HIDDEN TASTE FOR CLASSIC ROCK MUSIC

In a series of gramatically and ortographically well-structured tweets, former Formula 1 World Champion Lewis Hamilton has expressed a previously unknown love for classic rock music. "I don't really like hip-hop or modern top 40 pop music.", tweeted the man himself. "My dream has always been to make part of a band packed with leather jackets, big electric guitars making obnoxiously long, loud riffs, and long haircuts. Lots of long curly hair with the odd occasional batterist sporting a mullet." Nicole Scherzing appeared to back him by retweeting him and replying with a Youtube videoclip of Europe's 1980s hit, "The Final Countdown".

NELSON PIQUET JR ADMITS SHARE OF BLAME IN F1 CAREER GONE WRONG

"It was all really my fault", said the former Renault F1 driver and son of multiple world champion Nelson Piquet. "I wasn't anywhere near as quick as Fernando, and crashed out too often. When they offered me to cheat by crashing out on purpose, I gladly did it and have only myself to blame for accepting that." When asked if he was still any bitter, he replied: "Not at all. It was still a great experience, and I do not take anything away from the drivers that have come after me, who have done a great job and deserve to be there. I think Romain Grosjean in particular was brought in at a difficult time and has shown great speed since."

#35 Zoetrope

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 11:24

LEWIS HAMILTON REVEALS HIDDEN TASTE FOR CLASSIC ROCK MUSIC


Don't want to sound like a fanboy that can't take a joke on his fav driver, but :p

#36 argiriano

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 11:43

Kimi thoughts about 2013 Championship [Full Interview] PART 9 :lol:


#37 F1EC

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 11:52

AUTOSPORT FORUM USERS REACH CONSENSUS


Excellent :up:

#38 prty

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 11:58

Ah the cut and paste internet brigade.
It wasn't all that funny when I read it on those other sites either

Not that it's a bad thing you put it here..
Just saying
Jp


I found it funnier that other supposed-to-be-funny threads.

Had a laugh with "LAUDA AND STEWART SAY "NO COMMENT", Ex champs' refuse to give opinions in 2013", just to name one :up:

#39 jonpollak

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 12:20

I found it funnier that than other supposed-to-be-funny threads.

The C&P originals aren't that great but the ones our gang have come up with sure are..
All Hail Posters from AutoAtlasF1 :clap:
Jp

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#40 BullHead

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 13:06

Bahrain unified by F1 spectacle

An excellent example of sport laying the pathway to peace

#41 BullHead

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 13:11

Thirteen teams for 2014

Success of costs reduction scheme opens up field for new competition

#42 Sakae

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 13:12

What won't see in 2013?
FiA' rule books which are several decades in development without necessity for further clarification.


#43 SealTheDiffuser

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 13:15

McLaren front row lock out.

#44 Tony Mandara

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 13:18

BERNIE ANNOUNCES SUCCESSOR.


"It has to be Jp" stated the poisoned dwarf dimunitive Englishman. "Who else would keep these ASSHATS under control"?"

Edited by Tony Mandara, 23 January 2013 - 13:24.


#45 boldhakka

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 13:23

"Red Bull decide to drop device because it's against spirit of rules."

#46 Jimisgod

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 13:45

McLaren front row lock out.


"Mercedes on podium" :kiss:

#47 jonpollak

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 14:21

BERNIE ANNOUNCES SUCCESSOR.


"It has to be Jp" stated the poisoned dwarf dimunitive Englishman. "Who else would keep these ASSHATS under control"?"



Jp; TOO BUSY TO TAKE OVER F1
Jp

Edited by ForeverF1, 23 January 2013 - 14:46.


#48 Rob

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 14:43

Max Mosley: "Why are you talking to me? My view doesn't matter any more."

#49 kosmic33

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 14:46

Fanboy on Autosport Forum makes well balanced & unbiased post!

#50 Les

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Posted 23 January 2013 - 18:36

AMATEUR BLOGS A GOOD THING FOR F1

Why amateur journalists are keeping the professionals on their toes and can only improve the standard of Formula One journalism By Joe Saward.