The Iowa round of the IndyCar series has her grid set by 3 qualifying races, each one featuring over six minutes of racing. In other words, you may actually want to watch qualifying this week, and you can do so on IndyCar.com on Saturday, June 22nd. And remember, those heat races actually mean something because points are dished out for your eventual starting spot as follows:
9pts for pole,
8pts for second, etc.
3pts for seventh, eighth
2pts for ninth, tenth
1pt for eleventh, twelfth
You won't want to miss that battle for tenth. Join us in this here thread for the usual banter during race weekend. Be there or be square, and if you don't wanna be square:
22 June (Saturday)
Practice: 11:45am - 1:00pm
Heat race qualifying: 4:00pm - 4:45pm
Heat 1: 6:45pm - 7:10pm
Heat 2: 7:15pm - 7:40pm
Heat 3: 7:45pm - 8:15pm
23 June (Sunday)
Race: 3:00pm - 5:30pm
Note: All times posted Eastern/Greatest time zone. For West Coast USA, subtract 3 hours. For British/European, add 5 hours. For Nigeria, add 4 days.
Other Important Stuff:
(click to open .pdf)
Pit lane assignments
"I can't watch the race on TV! Can someone give me a stream?"
NO! Streams are bad, and here's why:
- First of all, they hurt us all in the long run.
- It even hurts the drivers you claim to love.
- Really, what the hell is wrong with you?
- So what if everyone does it?
- To steal from American cable companies: the shame of it!
- Racing is there because fans PAY for it to be there.
- Often, it feels like we just don't need to pay, but we do, and it's our job as honorable citizens throw our money at things we care about.
- Well, did you know you can go to jail for watching streams? You can either pay with your money or with your butt.
- Such penalties may seem harsh, but they are necessary in modern society.
- Please, please, just buy a sports package from your local cable supplier.
- Or if you can't, watch the race at the bar and support local businesses!
- Right or wrong, the people who make our laws know what's best for us.
- This is why our brave troops defend our freedom.
- So remember: if you watch the race on a stream, you hate our heroes.
Iowa joined the United States in 1846, 70 years after the United States declared independence and 42 years after Will Power assured everyone he was bound to win a race again one of these days. The road course/street course/oval/rally/hillclimb/drag strip/dirt/ice/tarmac/snow specialist remains convinced, however, he is still the best driver on the grid, which confused current championship leader Hélio Castroneves, since the points standings say something else. The Iowa round of the championship has been one of the more entertaining races on the calendar in recent years and past races are fondly remembered as a couple of the dozens of things that have happened in Iowa. Past winners include Tony Kanaan, Dario Franchitti, and Dan Wheldon. Past losers include the fans.
For you lucky bastards who managed to pick a box of Corn Flakes with race tickets inside them this week, here is our obligatory circuit map with a handy legend for everything you might need on your trip to the American heartland:
What happened last year? For that matter, what the hell happened last week? Ryan Hunter-Reay won at Milwaukee, driving like everyone else was just running and dragging their cars behind them. Takuma Sato looked threatening but was boned by an unlucky yellow flag. Marco Andretti looked strong but his car let him down, causing him to then complain as though this sort of thing had never happened to anyone before. Hélio Castroneves finished second, and therefore climbed only a smaller, secondary fence he keeps in his trailer. Will Power finished third. As for last year, Ryan Hunter-Reay won that too, proving that he's not just a pretty face, or even one. The 2012 Iowa Corn 250 also saw Marco Andretti finish second, Tony Kanaan finish third, and all the rest of us 2 hours closer to death. It was a pivotal point in the season for eventual champ RHR, who arrived fashionably late to the title chase. Marco Andretti was fashionably uninvited.
As for what's happened since the last race, this screen grab of IndyCar's homepage sums the past week up nicely enough:
The biggest talking point going into this season was the scrap between Honda and Chevrolet. Envisioned to be a titanic war something like our version of the Senna vs. Prost battles, after 9 rounds of the championship it is beginning to look more like the battle between Hiroshima and the Enola Gay. Honda has won only 3 of the 9 events so far this year, and Chevrolets sit pretty on the top 3 places of the current standings (Takuma Sato is the highest-placed Honda, in 4th).
So you've never watched IndyCar before and you don't know who to cheer for? No problem: pick a driver you like, and throw empty whiskey bottles at your family and friends when he doesn't win! There are 22 full-time drivers in IndyCar this year. Hey, that's like F1!
Drives for Foyt and has a win already this year. His career since drifting over from Formula 1 may be best explained as a weekly internal battle inside the commentators not to use the banzai and kamikaze references that fit oh-so perfectly.
Confirmed bro. Does funny things like pretending to be Danica and fooling everyone until he wins the race. All that and a beautiful smile.
Nice guy, likes fishing. Defending series champ, too. Controversial among IndyCar fans, who can't decide if it's the lack of tits or the lack of personality keeping him from becoming a household name. Of course, it's also possible the fans just suck.
Drives for Andretti Autosport and has looked promising this year thanks to a change in driving styles in the off-season, to driving fast around the corner from driving even faster into the wall. It seems like his first victory is coming soon.
Yeah, you should recognize the name. Seems like a reasonable talent but his team usually finds a way to cock it all up for him. Likely career in acting after racing.
Oldest driver on the grid. You often forget he's in the race, until he forgets he's in the race, and then you remember he's in the wall.
2-time series champ. A fun guy to cheer for in years past, but this season his car seems to be made up of all the parts that fell off of his teammate's car at the previous race, with an engine stuck together with grease from Dario's hair.
4-time series champ. Expected to win all the time and usually does, but has been doing suspiciously poorly this year. Hated by many due to a decade's worth of Indy 500 final laps being missed thanks to TV cameras showing his wife and where her boobs would have been instead. In fairness Dario seems like a decent guy off the track, but cheering for any part of the Ganassi empire is like going to the casino and cheering for the house.
Sponsored by the Novo Nordisk Flexpen, which can write upside down, inside out, under water, and in space: all places Kimball regularly ends up during the race.
Former F1 driver with Minardi and Jaguar. A very tall driver, he often gains an advantage during restarts from being able to see the green flag waving above the heads of the 25 drivers ahead of him. One to watch this weekend as he's debuting new hardware: his team has bowed to the inevitable and relabled the Push-2-Pass button on Wilson's steering wheel to the Push-2-Be-Passed-Next-Lap button.
Young Colombian driver and heir to the Pantene fortune. Not as bad as people say he is, but not a hell of a lot better, either. Kinda like gin.
Frenchman who consistently outperforms his equipment, often by walking in front of his car. Either spectacled or bespectacled. Looks the same after every race.
Excellent on left turns, somewhat less so on right ones. Guaranteed his oval career by being rather great on them, and guaranteed his road course career by marrying the boss's daughter.
Lovable Brazilian and reigning Indy 500 champ. Despite being teamed with the adorable and single Simona di Silvestro, he continues to carry on a bromance with former F1 2nd-placer Rubens Barrichello.
Simona de Silvestro
Blossoming talent with a bright future as a pit-lane reporter. Usually heard from around lap 30. A near-perfect doppleganger for Shay Laren, though sadly only from the neck up.
Youngster who won his 2nd ever IndyCar race at the age of 19 and has managed to surf off it for the past four seasons. Formerly Lebanese.
Another lanky Englishman who used to be best remembered for being entirely forgettable. Managed an excellent 2nd place in Detroit last month, however, and seems to be on the rise to stardom.
American version of James Hinchcliffe. One of those guys you never seem to actively cheer for, but then you find out he finished 4th and get all "good for him" on us. Has trouble finding helmets that fit.
IndyCar rookie and resident nice guy. Has already achieved his original motivation for going racing, and everything from here on in is just icing on the cake.
Champ Car veteran. You forget he's been around as long as he has, sort of like you do with Carly Rae Jepsen. Scored the first win of his IndyCar career at Detroit this year, which is a bit like losing your virginity in the back of a garbage truck, to a garbage truck.
Former dancer and Spider Man impersonator. Current series points leader thanks to his veteran savvy, which allows him to dodge trouble on the race track as if it were taxes.
Two middle fingers with a squawky Australian head attached to them. Has finished 2nd in the championship 3 years in a row. May know how to fly.
Enough of that shit! Who's on first?
Izod IndyCar Series
1 CASTRONEVES, Hélio (299 pts)
2 HUNTER-REAY, Ryan (283pts)
3 ANDRETTI, Marco (246pts)
Firestone Indy Lights
1 MUNOZ, Carlos (207pts)
2 KARAM, Sage (189pts)
3 CHAVES, Gabby (171pts)
Pro Mazda Championship
1 BRABHAM, Matthew (184pts)
2 FERREIRA, Diego (134pts)
3 BLACKSTOCK, Shelby (118pts)
1 HARGROVE, Scott (141pts)
2 GOODEN, Wyatt (88pts)
3 ESTRELA, Danilo (84pts)
G.R.R. Martin Pretentious Initials Championship
1 VISO, Ernesto Jose (183pts)
2 HILDEBRAND, John Regrets (79pts)
3 ALLMENDINGER, Anthony James (65pts)
Nabisco World Animal Crackers Championship
1 SNAKES, James (160pts)
2 BEEATRIZ, Ana (64pts)
3 BRISCOW, Ryan (63pts)
This is getting tedious!
And now, all the usual features!
Unecessary Danica mentions:
You wish you had..
..style like this.
Take a drink every time..
"..and we can't forget about the tires".
Useless Indy Fact of the Day
For only $60, you can show the world you're an IndyCar fan and an alcoholic while still only having to wear one shirt.
Do you remember..
Anagram of the Day:
Charlie Kimball / Hairball Lick'em
You read it! You can't un-read it!
Edited by Andrew Hope, 20 June 2013 - 18:15.