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Fellow racing fans, hecklers, and people who clicked on this thread by mistake,
Next Wednesday, July 14th, 2013 -- a date that will live in infamy -- NASCAR has suddenly and deliberately abandoned its policy of filling whole weekends with races that are much too long and held on 1.5 mile, aero-dependent identotracks. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this unprovoked and dastardly concession to Racing, we stock car fans in our righteous might will gain the inevitable triumph. Tedium will overcome anarchy.
But for now, we can only remain steadfast in our refusal to enjoy an evening of heat racing at this half-mile, high-banked dirt oval, with a 75 lap main event to decide the overall winner. Precautions have been taken. The Autosport Board of Responsible Trucking (A.B.O.R.T.) encourages you to report your fellow citizens should they be heard making comments like 'It makes a nice change from the usual format' or 'It's just a return to NASCAR's roots, really, isn't it?'
Propaganda.
Procedures to neutralise known USAC sympathisers are already being carried out. If you or a neighbour feels the urge to speak positively or in mitigation of non-approved racing surfaces or sub-90-minute race lengths, please register yourselves with the High Emergency Re-education Programme and Electrocution Sessions (H.E.R.P.E.S.) immediately. And remember, the World Of Outlaws is a world of outlaws. Do not approach or attempt to confront them, they are highly dangerous and possess more downforce than you could possibly conceive of.
This man will not be racing with Kyle Busch Motorsports on Wednesday, and does not have 500+ dirt late model victories. In fact, he doesn't even exist. Why are you looking at this picture?
These are dark days but we can perceive signs of the coming dawn. Agent Stewart has been successful in de-operationalizing whole tracks' worth of sprint cars. Former Indycar grand fromage Randy Bernard is known to have said "Golly, can't we get our cars out to Eldora next year?" mere minutes before being removed from office. And every effort is being made to ensure all future truck racing this season takes place on the same old tracks they're always on. I can confirm that rumours of a road course race at Mosport on September 1 are exactly that: rumours.
Please note the race schedule carefully so you can not watch it
All times ET, whatever that means
Tuesday, July 23
16.30-18.30: Truck practice 1
19.00-21.00: Truck practice 2
Wednesday, July 24
11.30-13.00: Truck practice 3
17.05: Trucks qualifying (two laps each)
19.00: Speed broadcast begins
19.00-21.00: Heats A-E and last chance qualifier
21.35: Truck race: 150 laps in 3 stints (60 laps-50 laps-40 laps)
You call this real racing? I think it's distasteful.
And now, back to your scheduled programming.
SUBMIT
