100 replies to this topic

[Andrew Hope]

This idea is real easy to follow. Everyone is welcome to participate, provided you remember this is only for fun (da lulz, as the kids say). I've seen similar things work on other forums, so I expect we can make a decent attempt here.

 

Our mission is simple: we are going to write the 2014 season before it happens, one sentence at a time. From pre-season testing straight through to the end of the championship. The story of course will change with every new post, and at the end of it we'll have a somewhat-coherent write up of next year before it happens. This could be a Senna or this could be a Deletraz. Let's at least aim for an Alesi or Berger. And remember, the whole point is to make a thread for some laughs in today's new God-to-Ferrari, Jesus-to-Red Bull rumors Racing Comments forum. The less this story reads like what will actually happen, the better. Everyone makes a 1-sentence post roughly following the one before them, and we write the whole season before it starts!

 

So everyone gets the idea, here's an example of how it might go:

 

First person posts:

 

"Pre-season testing for 2014 began at Jerez, where Red Bull shocked no one by running quickest on the first day, thanks to their new Adrian Newey-designed finger-diffuser".

 

Second person posts:

 

"Not to be outdone, Ferrari attempted to steal the Austrian team's thunder by pointing out that their drivers, Alonso and Hulkenberg, were the fastest drivers that didn't have the best car".

 

Third person posts:

 

"McLaren issued a press release later in the day to remind everyone that if nothing else, at least their trucks and transporters had been fastest to get to the circuit that morning".

 

etc.

 

That's just an example. And we go on and on in that vein. Everyone got the idea? I'll start us off. The first sentence of our 2014 epic is..

 

"Testing started for the 2014 World Championship on a warm, sweaty day in Spain, and although Ferrari had been impressive, that had been several years ago, and they were well behind the Red Bulls, Mercedes, Lotuses, and van der Garde's Caterham at the end of Day 1".

 

Go!

[TurboF1]

Drama on day two as Daniel Ricciardo showed impressive pace against the golden german wunderkind. Having posted a lap two tenths clear of Vettels best effort, Dr. Marko was seen waving Ricciardo into the pits with a spanner in hand, seemingly eager to tinker with the Australians Kers, clutch and wheel nuts. More to follow

Edited by TurboF1, 10 September 2013 - 18:24.

[sopa]

Day two concluded with a rather unexpected but impressive long-distance run by Williams-Mercedes' Valtteri Bottas, prompting team principal Claire Williams to claim the switch to the Mercedes package for the new regulations had been an inspired move.

[Shiroo]

What is worth mentioning, Alonso's time from day 1 was 0.6sec faster than Kimi's time 2nd day.

[spacekid]

When asked about this in an interview, Kimi replied 'Mmmph mumble mumble, hrrrrm you'll have to ask the team mmm kpppp mumble mumble', which was later translated as meaning

[OvDrone]

Another one of day two's main stories was Di Resta's impeccable pace before bruch which prompted British pundits Brundle, Coulthard and McNish among others to rapidly praise the Scot relentlessly on the Twitter-sphere up until Paul made a rather rookie mistake on the exit of Dry Sac sending his Force India shamefully into the barriers in a rather mopey and embarrassing manner.

Edited by OvDrone, 10 September 2013 - 19:27.

[spacekid]

And a magnum ice cream wrapper.

 

Meanwhile in the shock signing of the year Montoya was now back at McLaren, having sat in the car for a demo-run only to find that he was too fat to get out of it again. Ron Dennis said...

[HoldenRT]

Drama on day two as Daniel Ricciardo showed impressive pace against the golden german wunderkind. Having posted a lap two tenths clear of Vettels best effort, Dr. Marko was seen waving Ricciardo into the pits with a spanner in hand, seemingly eager to tinker with the Australians Kers, clutch and wheel nuts. More to follow

 

Helmut Marko was already seen in the pits during this recent Monza 2013 weekend.. asking Horner, if there were a way.. that they could remotely wire the KERS.. so that Webber/Ricciardo charge the KERS under braking.. and it's discharged into Vettel's car.

 

[OvDrone]

And a magnum ice cream wrapper.

 

Meanwhile in the shock signing of the year Montoya was now back at McLaren, having sat in the car for a demo-run only to find that he was too fat to get out of it again. Ron Dennis said...

 

'Seeing what transpired at the 2012 Daytona 500 we knew that what both parties needed was a steadfast and passionate reboot of our past dealings as to make both our brands a viable commercial and corporate success.'

[Shiroo]

Also at 3rd day of testing, Hamilton appeared with his new fashion collection for the team, including mostly hats, a dozen of them actually.

[OvDrone]

Sadly Niki Lauda declined to wear one such hat due to 'personal sponsorship issues', a fact that made Lewis write an emotional message on Twitter later that evening.

Edited by OvDrone, 10 September 2013 - 20:14.

[Outsider]

and record a rap-song about it the following day

[Andrew Hope]

Lewis' seat at Mercedes then came under doubt after, in one of the raps, he wondered aloud whether Lauda, refusing to wear one of Lewis' hats, would instead prefer a pair of Hamilton's new Dre-inspired MacBeats headphones.

[OvDrone]

The song titled '#BluredLoyalties' made a mess of things in the Stuttgart camp with the first grand prix only a little over a month away prompting people like Dennis to say 'the song obviously says a lot about Lewis's current frail sportmans mentality' going as far as: 'it is quite understandable that Juan Pablo has more passion than Lewis ever had when at McLaren.'

[danmills]

Meanwhile over at Williams, Maldonado was busying himself by crashing and falling into the breakfast cornflakes table, and subsequently into the Williams seat for yet another season.

 

Elsewhere, BBC pundit David Coulthard caused quite an excited sir in the paddock by exclaiming that THIS year will be HIS year.

Edited by danmills, 10 September 2013 - 21:06.

[Pitlane]

Much to Kimi Räikkönens and Fernando Alonsos delight, Luca Di Montezemolo announced during the preseason testing that the Scuderia Ferrari 2014 racing overalls to be a very fashionable design in pink made by no other then former world champion Michael Schumacher, who is also rumoured to be rejoining the team as 3rd driver to help development during the season.

Edited by Pitlane, 10 September 2013 - 21:08.

[SCUDmissile]

Fernando said he was happy because the overalls matched his sunglasses, while Kimi didn't notice any difference.

[Zoetrope]

On the 4th day of testing Mercedes AMG F1 and Sahara Force India reported an engine problem that forced their car to stop at the track. It raised the questions whether the 666bhp advantage of Mercedes engine comes with an inferior reliability.

[Deluxx]

Look at that guys! Sato makes a KAMIKAZE dive into turn one!

[bourbon]

Said Nico Rosberg to Lewis Hamilton, as they watched Sato on the tele in the hospitality suite.  "Enough of this" complained Lewis, "Grab the archive video for the 2003 season, What I want to watch is

[Victor_RO]

the shunt-fest in Brazil", before ringing Tony Stewart up to enquire about any available drives for the Daytona 500.

[Kingshark]

On the 5th day of testing, AMG-Mercedes Benz decided to scrap their 2014 car development program, as they did not fully understand the new tyres; Ross Brawn decided to shift focus to the 2020 WO11.

[Shiroo]

The new development program for 2020 will also involve new hats for whole team that are supposed to motivate everyone that would wear them

[Cool Beans]

Then Red Bull went on to win both championships and the season ended. The end.

[danmills]

Horner woke up in a flurry of panic, realising that it was only a dream! He turned around to Newey on the other side of the bed they shared, and shrieked....

[sopa]

Meanwhile at Jerez, much to Horner's horror the sixth day of testing saw a drama with engines as all the Renault V6 turbo engines blew up due to risen air temperatures that they were incompatible with, prompting Horner and Bouiller to propose a suggestion to FIA to actually race with 'safer' and 'proven' V8 normally aspirated engines this year again if we wanted to have a proper F1 season this year instead of a joke.

[danmills]

Behind closed doors, rumours were rife that Kubica had secretly signed a deal to replace Rosberg after Monaco.

 

'Wrist' assured, paddock gossipers went 'hand in hand', to quickly 'wave' such speculation aside.

 

Britney was undeniable unsettled with the news, and retired to his motorhome on the final day of testing to catch up with the latest Kelly Clarkson album.

[Nemo1965]

He stormed from his caravan, however, because he saw Mark Webber visiting the paddock, knocked him half unconscious, turned to all the mobile phones directed at the mayhem and the crying like a wuss Webber and proclaimed to the world: 'That is going to happen to everybody who calls me Britney again!'

[paulrobs]

Meanwhile the new Sky Pad was attracting a lot of criticism on Sky F1 because it was now 2m x 2m and Anthony Davidson just couldn't reach the top buttons

[danmills]

He just about managed the two larger buttons though above him, but no matter how many times little Ant tweaked and turned, the Sky Pad just wouldn't pan across.

 

Poor Georgie Thompson looked down, bemused.

[Tim C 27]

Eric Boulier appears at a tribunal, after Christian Horner complains about a 'secret' test which allegedly took place when a Lotus employee, from the canteen at Enstone, allegedly test-drove a second hand Renault Twingo - prior to buying it for his wife - without written permission from the FIA. 

 

Boulier's defence is that the Twingo was on 2009 tyres (apart from front left which was fitted in 2010) and that being second hand, it is fully in the spirit of the Resource Restriction Agreement.

 

 At this point, Horner (present at the hearing), turns to his barrister (Mr M Mosely) and asks "What's a Resource Restriction Agreement?" 

[Bruce]

Mosley glanced at Horner, and then turned away, looking pensively into the middle distance... "Restriction" he said.... "yeees.... restriction.... Constriction!"... beads of sweat blistered o n Mosley's forehead and his pensive gaze had transformed into a fervent, smouldering stare, while his hands flexed, bending what appeared to be an imaginary whip...

[paulrobs]

Meanwhile rivals were up in arms as it became clear that the Merc Power Units were reckoned to be developing something in the region of 250bhp more that the next best unit so Horner was trying to get them banned on the basis of the secret tyre test in 2013 in which he claimed Mercedes had tested their 2014 Power Unit with 2014 tyres.

[paulrobs]

It was quickly becoming apparent that no team could put enough power down and generate enough speed through the corners to get the new 2014 tyres up to temperature whereas both Mercs cornered on rails and were 50km/h up through the speedtraps.

[paulrobs]

Many teams were giving up on their 2014 cars before the season had even started and turning their attention to 2015.

[paulrobs]

Whitmarsh said they hadn't maximised their 2014 car and, because Honda were also struggling to be ready for 2015, work had now started on their 2016 car which was really going to be something special

[oetzi]

and that he was 'pumped' to have beaten the competition to the signatures of the 'dream team' for 2016: Satoru Nakajima and Bruno Senna.

[gm914]

When asked what he believed these two drivers could produce that hasn't already been seen, Whitmarsh replied-

 

"Put simply, oranges. Bruno has a wonderful Filch technique to extract the maximum amount of juice from an orange. He'll be very valuable in the McLaren hospitality suites. Also, Nakajima can open a beer bottle with his chin. You don't see that everyday."

[solochamp07]

Back at testing... after a thorough investigation of the crash involving the two Lotus teammates Grosjean and Massa, along with the ensuing red flag period and cleanup efforts, Lewis Hamilton was promptly assessed a 10 place grid penalty for Melbourne.

[Module]

On the last day of testing at the Ipswich roundabout confusion spread as Bernia again had rebuked the preliminary Race Calendar, where to go?

[The Kanisteri]

Surrealistic

[alfa1]

Fred and Kimi regularly collide as they battle for podium places.

[Tron]

The Kers constantly fails on Ricciado's car during practice, and Webber tweets "LOL".

[sopa]

And finally, after all the pre-season testing and confusion, the new racing season is about to begin as all F1 teams have arrived with all the baggage in Melbourne, Vic, Australia - the air is full of excitement, nobody has got a clear clue of what is going to happen this weekend now.

[Module]

In drivers pressconference the drivers anticipate the first question, all eager to get a crack at it...Schumacher from Ferrari, Kubica from Lotus, Alonso from Caterham, Massa from Mercedes and Kimi from WRC....what will it be?

 

"How does it feel to be in Melbourne?"

 

Anticlimax hits everobody in the face as the drivers flip the finger to AB

[eronrules]

Alonso pounded the track the whole morning session and clocked the most laps, but was unable to find the proper setup and being 6/10th behind the best lap time of the morning session, he was furious and demanded Massa back,  the car to be scrapped and Stefano to be sacked on the team radio, but the engineers said they have to wait till kimi drives it and Alonsos replied ''......veramente siete dei scemi (or geni) eh! Mamma mia, ragazzi!” , stormed out of the garage while Shortly after the lunch break, Alonso's manager Luis Garcia Abad was seen coming out of the toilet of Marussia motorhome prompting Fresh rumors about Alonso future.

Edited by eronrules, 18 September 2013 - 13:07.

[eronrules]

At the beginning of the afternoon session, the media watchers curiously noted that the engineers at the garage were waiting impatiently for Kimi to enter but he was nowhere to be found and according to Andrew Benson's Twitter, ''kimi fell asleep while having a **** ... Ti hi hi hi '', but the team spokes person denied the rumors while, Alonso was seen outside motorhome wielding a Katana and stabbing a Dummy repeatedly from behind and it was also claimed that the Dummy was dressed in a Red Bull T-shirt with ''Four on the Trot'' printed on it's front, but the claims were not verified.

[eronrules]

After half of the afternoon session already gone, Stefano Domenicall was seen frantically running towards the motorhome carrying a box of Magnums and 6 packs of Cola and shortly after that, kimi was seen inside garage where the Data engineers were trying to convince kimi to analyze Alonso's data but kimi replied ''Leave me alone, i know what i'm doing.'' and proceeded to change of setup and after taking to the track, kimi immediately went 6/10th faster than Alonso on his first flying lap and after just 2 flying laps, he declared the car to be 'OK' and went on to sleep under the table at the back of the garage holding an inflated Dolphin. 

[Raven8]

McLaren: In hindsight, bla bla bla

[sopa]

Martin Whitmarsh is very open in Friday interview, making a summary of his decisions in hingsight.

 

"In hindsight, we made a mistake by singing both Bruno Senna and Satoru Nakajima into our McLaren-Honda hospitality teams for the upcoming seasons as we accidentally and due to misleading data happened to overestimate their ability to deliver a significant amount of juice from various types of oranges."

Edited by sopa, 18 September 2013 - 12:32.