O brave new world, that has such cooling requirements in it
-- some dead guy
Formula Uno Global Race Cavalcade sponsored by Herbert Smith Freehills of London: Round 1 of 20: The Australian Grand Prix
Where's it being held?
As if you need to ask! No, not Adelaide. It's the other street circuit in a park, the one where Jacques Villeneuve nearly doubled his Street Circuit In A Park wins in 1996 and where half the field traditionally doesn't finish because the teams haven't figured out which way round to glue their gearboxes in and Felipe Massa has to relearn being a racing driver from scratch.
Anyone expecting a similar opening weekend spectacular is in luck! Jacques Villeneuve still hasn't added to his Street Circuit In A Park tally and probably won't next weekend, but that's not important. What's important is that half the cars will probably break down and Felipe Massa will have to relearn how to be a racing driver pretty quickly because he might have a winning car.
F1 team in new livery shocker
When are roundy-round cars going to be on track?
Friday, Saturday and Sunday. More detailed information is below. Please note the time difference between <there> and <here>, which for one precious weekend allows us to experience what Australians get every other week of the year.
Friday, 14 March
11:00: V8 Supercars Race 1 (an actual race! With actual cars! On a Friday!)
12:30-14:00: Free practice 1
14:25: V8 Supercars Race 2 (another one! IS THERE NO END TO THE MADNESS)
16:30-18:00 Free practice 2
Saturday, 15 March
14:00-15:00 Free practice 3 (Melbourne's lucky crowd will be treated to a special
lap at demonstration speeds from four-time world champion Sebastian Vettel,
followed by a live demonstration of the melting point of carbon fibre and an equally
live demonstration of some nautical words Adrian Newey learnt at the Americas Cup)
15:20: More V8 Supercars. Don't they get tired of 600hp under-gripped tubeframe
cars made up to look like evocative touring cars you can buy from a showroom?
17:00: Formula One "weird this makes such a compelling show when all anyone really
wants is for it not to decide the race result" Qualifying!
Sunday, 16 March
13:15: Another V8 Supercar race
15:30: Formula One 'cheer up Kamui, this is much better than being paid to drive
Ferraris for a living' Drivers' Parade
17:00: Clear the decks! Sing the National Anthem! Stand up straight! It's time for the 2014 Formula 1 Rolex Grand Prix of Australia!
2014 baby
It's been a long winter. Given that 2013 effectively ended with the British GP in July, this has been the longest offseason since the '50s when there were only five races in a year, Giancarlo Baghetti won his first ever GP and Alfred Neubauer fixed a Grand Prix result in a devious Nazi plot to smuggle the Ark of the Covenant out of Tripoli.
But there's no time for pessimism or snark! This year promises to be a succession of races each more thrilling, incident-packed and contested-by-more-than-one-driver than the last, all building to a fabulous Round 20: the thrilling, quadruple-prize money, triple-points, double-D showdown in Knockhill this December!
This year also has some new rules that can only possibly be of interest to the kind of techie nerds who read Scarbs's column on Autosport.com and don't put a bin on their heads and club it with a stick while chanting F1 Is In The Entertainment Business And Attention Spans Are So Short These Days whenever Gary Anderson comes on the telly.
Apparently the engines are really small and something to do with turbos? Also the noses of a few of the cars look ridiculous but if you feel like commenting on that I've got these Fish In A barrel over here for you to come and shoot.
Qualifying results
Owing to some spacetime error possibly related in some way to the Internet Of Things, I've received the qualifying times for Sunday's Australian Grand Prix almost a full week ahead of time. Top ten only, I'm afraid. Memorize them and amaze your friends!
1. Lewis Hamilton / Mercedes 1'29.369
2. Nico Rosberg / Mercedes +1.754
3. Felipe Massa / Williams-Mercedes +2.103
4. Kevin Magnussen / Mclaren-Mercedes +2.162
5. Valtteri Bottas / Williams-Mercedes +2.602
6. Jenson Button / Mclaren-Mercedes +2.918
7. Nico Hulkenburg / Force India-Mercedes +3.224
8. Kimi Raikkonen / Ferrari +3.608
9. Sebastian Vettel / Red Bull-Renault +3.886
10. Fernando Alonso / Ferrari +3.917
Before you actually memorize the times and make yourself look like even more of a fool in front of your friends, I should advise you that it's all a hoax. These are actually the times from the 1997 season opener (the race that folklore has, or should have, renamed Mastercard Lola's Australian Grand Prix -- thanks Midgrid!). The point I'm making clumsily is that in the living lifetimes of even our most mentally juvenile members, you saw some absolutely gigantic gaps in the ultimate speed potential of the cars. A driver who was Marussia slow in Australia could be competing for wins in Germany.
Things will break, drivers will go a bit slower to preserve their equipment and cars that look average in the qualifying reports will be quite handy over a race run. Of course this is still F1, so the driver who wins the race will be the one who qualifies well and disappears off at the front, and the driver who wins the championship will be the one best able to exploit the paranoia and insecurities of the engineers at the factory.
But we can dream! You'll never take that away from us!
A warning from the past?
Better Red (Bull) Than Dead
The pivotal moment in the 2014 season probably came at some point in late 2013, when Adrian Newey sent the F1 car equivalent of a turd in an envelope to the Renault design office in Viry. The car can't go for more than 20 laps without breaking down, runs so hot they had to cut big speed holes in the bodywork and contains an engine of which the best thing you can say about it is that it delivers poetic justice to the team that complained about its parent throughout their numerous title-winning seasons.
While it's impossible at this stage to tell exactly how severe the nature of Red Bull's problems blah blah the best-funded team on the grid will undoubtedly blah blah blah wipe the stupid self-satisfied twinkle from Christian blah blah the real balance of power will become apparent once we reach the European blah blah how could you Sebastian I invited all my friends round my house and you had to go and blah blah blah after all 'Red Bull RB10' sounds like Red Bull are blah blah blah is it 2015 yet?
Visitors to Shit Creek are advised to wear appropriate protection
It's 2008 again. We'll get half a year of no Red Bulls troubling the front of the race and then they'll build the best car for the next five years in a row. Bring the beer, keep the spirits and revolver in the cupboard (for now).
That's a lot of words to write about a no-hoper
Indeed it is! The sour grapes are sponsored by Martini, in association with Williams F1.
What about the front runners?
That'll be anything with a Mercedes engine probably. Hold it! you're probably thinking. What business does a manufacturer of expensive saloon cars owned by doctors and estate agents have competing with the mighty names of Ferrari and Lotus? Well I've done some research on Wikipedia and apparently they finished second in the constructors' championship last year, although they haven't won a world title since the time they successfully mated their powerplant with Ross Brawn. Ross did not ultimately survive the operation but it was a wonderful age we witnessed.
Other teams in with a shot include Williams and Mclaren (no doubt looking to extend their dominance of SNORE-mula One racing) and India.
Who's going to win at Melbourne? F*cked if I know.
British driver may win race
Despite being more closely matched last year than any team mate since Fernando Alonso, Lewis Hamilton enters 2014 with his imaginary (well, more imaginary) stock higher than it's ever been. 2012 showed that he's totally OVER with all the crashing and poor decision-making that used to delight detractors and lovers of chaos and crumbling edifices alike, and his move to Mercedes in 2013 showed he's a clever old bastard too. Conventional wisdom says that he's got a bit of an advantage over Rosberg in qualifying, their race speed is around equal and Rosberg may have the edge when it comes to such cliches as "Driving Strategically" and "Letting the race come to him". Nonetheless people who know a whole Toyota factory more about F1 than me keep saying these things so I'll shut up until Hamilton comes from 20th to 1st on the final lap as every other car comically runs out of fuel one after the other.
But if Mercedes does have a car miles quicker than everyone else's, the Hertfordshire Rocket may have a Senna/Prost, or even Mansell/Piquet shaped (but not sized, Prost and Piquet are quite small) problem. The biggest qualifying advantage in the world only yields you a few metres and a slightly more advantageous line into the first corner than Zeno's tortoise here back in second. And then once the race gets underway and fuel usage, tyre degradation and pit strategies are known, Nico von Clausewitz just has to pick his moment, possibly having sat in the DRS zone half the race saving fuel down the straights.
YES. STRATEGY. Victory will not go to the fastest but He With The Most Spare Mental Capacity And Ability To Drive Into Corners Quickly While Conserving Fuel. I believe that the old swashbuckling tooth-grinding Hamilton died between the 2011 and 2012 seasons but bad luck and circumstance have hidden this, and I will gladly fight anyone who says otherwise.
So will 2014 show he can win a championship properly? We'll only know for sure after the quadruple-points dust has settled in Knockhill, and the winner receives his complimentary chips and battered sausage at the victory gala in glamorous Fife!
Having tucked into their chips and chicken pakora, the guests of Fife's finest eating establishment will chuckle along with after-dinner speaker Paul di Resta as he takes them on a hilarious tour of the highlights (and low-lights!) of his eventful career as a German Touring Car champion and F1 midfield driver. You'll struggle to hold back the tears!
Lastly, but not finally
Good luck Michael. You gave the gift of inspiration to some people, and the gift of righteous indignation to others. Whatever happens, 2014 is dedicated to you.
Edited by Risil, 10 March 2014 - 00:20.
Great work, Risil. I think from now on all the activities for a race weekend should be contained in a single 'race weekend' thread like this; OPs like this one deserve to have an entire weekend centered on them. 
