WELCOME TO THE
That's right, folks! Indycar jumps the border into the US for a race this weekend! After a frenzied weekend of spin-turns, collisions, crashes, rain, and Toronto, Indycar meanders over to Mid-Ohio as it enters the final month of its championship season.
WHAT IS INDYCAR?
Could there be a more open-ended question? Allow me to (attempt) to explain: cross the routinely impossible insanity of Gilligan's Island with open-wheel racing, and you've got Indycar on most weekends. It's the gift that keeps on giving without even trying. It's the sport you watch when you want to watch a bunch of people race formula-style cars without all the glitz, the glamour, the petty handbag-swinging contests, and other miscellaneous up-its-own-back-end-ery that most professional racing series fall prey to. For the uninitiated, Indycar is the racing equivalent of that person you're attracted to for reasons you don't understand--they're not very well known, they're not particularly the best at anything, they've got a few off-putting traits, and they're kind of unique in a spacey sort of way, but they're hilariously entertaining just by being themselves--which is the primary reason that most of us (at least me, anyway) truthfully don't know why we watch Indycar except we all have a lot of fun when we do. So
WEEKEND SCHEDULE
Friday
7:45 – 8:15 a.m. Practice - Pirelli World Challenge TC/TCA/TCB
8:30 – 9:00 a.m. Practice - USF2000
9:15 – 9:45 a.m. Practice - Pro Mazda
10:00 – 10:45 a.m. Practice - Verizon IndyCar Series
11:00 – 11:30 p.m. Qualifying – Pirelli World Challenge TC/TCA/TCB
11:45 – 12:15 p.m. Qualifying - USF2000
12:30 – 1:00 p.m. Qualifying – Pro Mazda
1:05 – 1:45 p.m. Practice – Indy Lights
2:00 – 2:45 p.m. Practice - Verizon IndyCar Series
3:00 – 3:45 p.m. Practice - Pirelli World Challenge GT/GTA/GTS
4:00 – 4:40 p.m. USF2000 Race #1
4:55 – 5:05 p.m. Pirelli World Challenge Pre Race
5:10 – 5:55 p.m. Pirelli World Challenge TC/TCA/TCB Race #1
6:10 – 6:40 p.m. IndyCar Experience
Saturday
8:00 – 8:45 a.m. Qualifying – Pirelli World Challenge GT/GTA/GTS
9:00 – 9:45 a.m. Qualifying - Indy Lights
10:00 – 10:45 a.m. Practice – Verizon IndyCar Series
11:00 – 11:15 a.m. Practice – USF2000
11:30 – 11:45 a.m. Pirelli World Challenge Pre Race
11:55 – 12:45 p.m. Pirelli World Challenge GT/GTA/GTS Race #1 (GT/GTS)
1:05 – 1:45 p.m. USF2000 Race #2
2:00 – 3:10 p.m. Qualifying – Verizon IndyCar Series
3:25 – 4:05 p.m. Indy Lights Race #1
4:20 – 4:30 p.m. Pirelli World Challenge Pre Race
4:30 – 5:30 p.m. Verizon IndyCar Series Autograph Session (Fan Village)
4:35 – 5:20 p.m. Pirelli World Challenge TC/TCA/TCB Race #2
5:35 – 6:15 p.m. Pro Mazda Race #1
Sunday
7:55 – 8:55 a.m. IndyCar Experience
9:05 – 9:45 a.m. USF2000 Race #3
10:00 – 10:30 a.m. Practice - Verizon IndyCar Series
10:45 - 11:25 a.m. Pro Mazda Race #2
11:55 - 12:55 p.m. Indy Lights Race #2
1:15 - 1:30 p.m. Pirelli World Challenge Pre Race
1:40 - 2:30 p.m. Pirelli World Challenge GT/GTA/GTS Race #2
3:00 p.m. Verizon IndyCar Series Pre Race
3:50 p.m. The Honda Indy® 200 at Mid-Ohio IZOD IndyCar Series Race (90 laps)*
*Not an actual joke--straight from MOSCC website.
THE MOSCC
Event Name ("A rose by any other name...") : Honda Indy 200 at Mid-Ohio
First Race (GRAND OPENING) : 1970
First IRL Race (What's CART?) : 2007
Track Length ('The long and winding roooad...') : 2.4 miles (3.86 km, for those of you too cool for English units)
Race Length (For those of you who can't math) : 90 laps (no, I don't know why they call it the Indy 200 if it's 203 miles)
Green Flag Time (Ohi-go...) : 3:50 PM local time. Not a local? Not a problem!
Location (should you need to call in an airstrike on Will Power) : 40° 41'21.46" N, 82° 30'10.94" W
Previous Event Names ("... would smell as sweet.") :
Red Roof Inns 150 (1980)
Escort Radar Warning 200 (1983–1988; goes back to that airstrike thing)
Red Roof Inns 200 (1989–1990)
Pioneer Electronics 200 (1991–1994)
Miller Genuine Draft 200 (1995)
Miller 200 (1996–1997)
Miller Lite 200 (1998–2001)
Grand Prix of Mid-Ohio (2002)
Champ Car Grand Prix of Mid-Ohio (2003)
Honda 200 at Mid-Ohio Presented by Westfield Insurance (2007)
Honda Indy Grand Prix at Mid-Ohio (2008)
Honda Indy 200 (2010-2011)
Honda Indy 200 at Mid-Ohio (2009, 2012-present)
Where is it?
Ohio.
Where in Ohio?
Probably the middle.
You mean the hi part?
Yeah, that.
What makes it special?
You're asking me?
Okay, seriously, fill us in on Mid-Ohio.
Indycar has been racing here as Indycar since 2007, the first race held at Mid-Ohio after we had the schism of the Church of American Open-Wheel Racing. The track is a road course, which means it won't readily lend itself to the sort of absurd comedy we see when Indycar hits (intentional choice of words) the track on street circuits--so no bizarre pace-car spins or Rosset-astic spin-turns here. The track also sports a layout which isn't really conducive to a whole lot of overtaking, which we were given an all-too-forgettable example of last year. I guess it actually could have been memorable--if you're a masochist, anyway.
Speaking of which, what happened here last year?
In a nutshell, it was the most boring circuit race of the year by a longshot. Those of you who were watching will remember that most of the field spent the race saving fuel and protecting the tyres, running well underneath the limit of their cars. There was virtually no overtaking, and the passes that did happen were all but inevitable due to strategy differences. When the chequered flag finally fell, Honda once again demonstrated that it was clearly the dominant engine at Mid-Ohio with its seventh win in a row at the track. Wait a sec, this is sounding familiar...
Was there anything uniquely Indycar about the race at all, then?
DIABETES
What can we expect this year?
Well, seeing as how the race is the same distance, probably more of the same. Here's our Afterburner Race Storyline Evaluation:
- Honda-omination: Honda has yet to be defeated in an IRL race at Mid-Ohio. They've won it seven years running. They've also been the title sponsor seven years running. I'm not saying it's a conspiracy, I'm just implying it.
- Caution to the Wind: There have been no full-course yellows at this race for two years running. As we all know, expecting to go through an Indycar race without seeing a full-course yellow is kind of like sticking a paper-clip into an electrical socket and expecting it not to hurt--there are exceptions to these rules, but generally they're few and far between.
- We Aren't the Champions: Time is running out! Call now and get your Indycar Championship for four weekly payments of $19.95! Alternative payments in the form of rivals' wing endplates also accepted!
- Will Power: Honestly, when is Will Power not a storyline?
You stole most of this from Wikipedia, didn't you?
Basically.
Kind of like you stole the Q&A format from Andrew Hope?
My legal team has advised me to keep quiet on the matter at this time.
ENTROPY IN TORONTO (NOT AN INNUENDO)
If you weren't present for the Indycar 2inTo (which begs the question--into what exactly?), then you missed what was surely one of the strangest race weekends ever. I'm speaking strictly without hyperbole here: to give you an idea of how bizarre this weekend was, here in the US, we watched one of the two races under exciting program listings such as 'No Defrosting or Preheating', '21 Day Fix', 'Steam and Spray the Dirt Away', and 'Free Nutribullet! Discover the secret to a longer, healthier life!' For those of you who're part of the F1 crowd, it was the Indycar equivalent of a 2006 Hungarian GP or 2011 Canadian GP. For those of you who're part of the Indycar crowd, you'll know exactly an Indycar version of those races would entail: textbook open-wheeled anarchy. To start, it was supposed to be a double-header on a street circuit with rain forecast for both days. In most racing series, that's enough to assume it'll automatically be an interesting weekend. In Indycar, it's the equivalent of giving the Headless Horseman a headless horse. On the day of the first race, everyone tried to pretend it wasn't raining hard enough to cancel the race--cue Arie Luyendyk spinning a Honda Civic pace car into the wall at Turn 3. Race cancelled.
The Indycar officials, doing what they always do in such a unique situation (and did quite a bit on this particular weekend), pulled some new rules out from anatomical regions normally only accessible with specially-designed probes, and decided both races would be shortened and held on Sunday. This postponement caused a scheduling snafu for most broadcasters (see above titles), and raised the weekend's daily Indycar dose to levels that drew the attention of medical professionals around the world (I have one on record saying that the event was far too dangerous to be considered a 'gateway race' for newcomers).
Oddly enough, Race 1 failed to live up to the levels of mayhem exhibited over the course of the weekend up to that point--if you ignore the first-lap carpocalypse that easily caused 100% track blockage and ensured this weekend was on its way to setting a record for most red flags thrown over the course of a race day, that is. Sebastian Bourdais cruised to what was an apparently easy win with little opposition from his pursuers.
Race 2 was more like a typical Indycar street
All in all, Indycar in a nutshell.
SO VERY CHAMPIONSHIP. SUCH DRAMA. MUCH WOW.
I don't know about you, but the randomness of last weekend instilled within me a renewed desire for all things Indycar and Indycar championship, as we're getting to that time of year where we realise that there's more to this whole experience than mindless barge-boarding around street tracks--there's also a championship to be won. I do not envy the person hired to design Indycar's championship system, because if you ask me, trying to determine which driver is consistently the best over an Indycar season is like trying to unravel the nuances of chaos theory with an eighty-cent calculator and no scratch paper. Which, come to think of it, is probably the basis for Indycar's indecipherable points system.
Speaking of which, this year's Indycar title fight has been hotly contested between a few drivers who, save for one, have done their best to give the title away. Helio Castroneves is probably the favourite, having been the most consistent of the main contenders over the course of the season. Ryan Hunter-Reay, in 3rd, has had the distinction of leading motor racing's first quantum championship campaign: if he has momentum, it's impossible to tell where it's carrying him, and if he has direction, it's impossible to tell how quickly it'll have an effect--currently, he seems to be on a downward trend of sorts. Simon Pagenaud, in 4th, has been on the receiving end of a few inconveniently timed full-course yellows (and Will Power) and thus lies a little farther behind--in other words, right where he wants to be going into the last few rounds. And last but not least, DJ Willy P has basically done everything he can to throw away this year's championship, including being the only driver other than Arie Luyendyk to bin it in Toronto on Saturday.
So WTF's up with these guys? I'm getting a lot of the 'WTF's up with these guys' vibe.
If you're just now joining the Indycar party, allow me to help you get caught up with some awesome Afterburner Spotter Support! Full of everything you need to know about Indycar and the Indycar threads. Regular drivers are listed in order of current championship standings, so your key players are right up at the front (that solve your instant-gratification fix?). The dudes who spend the most time in the spotlight tend to have more nicknames, with one exception (itself being an exception, Indycar loves exceptions). Even if you're already familiar with these guys, read up--you might find out something you didn't already know, and knowledge is power. Most knowledge, anyway.
Helio Castroneves, #3 (1st - 533 points; 2 poles, 1 win)
Team: Team Penske
Suggested Nicknames: 'Castro', 'HCN', 'Hydrogen Cyanide'
Biography: Think of an anime depiction of the most overexcited South American racing driver you can imagine, and then make a caricature of him--you're close. Castroneves has a hard time keeping himself to himself. Some people love him for it, some hate it--some don't care. He's been a staple at the front of the Indycar field for years yet never won the championship. This year, his season has been like the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid: f#$kin' clean. Can he do what David Coulthard never managed to do and actually make this year his year?
Will Power, #12 (2nd - 520 points; 2 poles, 2 wins)
Team: Team Penske
Suggested Nicknames: 'DJ Willy P', 'Road-course Specialist', 'Oval-track F#%k-up', 'Double-Birdie'
Biography: He drives the Verizon car in the Verizon series. He gets too many penalties and not enough at the same time. He's the fastest and slowest driver over a weekend. He's the most consistent and the most mistake-prone. He's the best and the worst at road courses, and the best and the worst at ovals. He's the most humble and the most arrogant. Get the picture yet? Will Power is Indycar's resident wildcard. On any given weekend, it is impossible to predict anything about how Will Power perform, except that, at some point, he'll be involved in something entertaining over the course of a weekend--according to Risil, Power shines a light on areas of the sport the rulemakers never even knew they needed rules for. Oh, and his name is ridiculous.
Ryan Hunter-Reay, #28 (3rd - 464 points; 1 pole, 3 wins, 2014 INDY 500 CHAMPION)
Team: Andretti Autosport
Suggested Nicknames: 'Hunter-Killer', 'Hyphen', 'Bounty-Hunter'
Biography: Hunter-Reay is the model image of the American dad racecar driver. He attained notoriety this year for being the author of a failed pass which ended no less than five drivers' races--including his own. Oh yeah, and he won that Indy 500 thing, but then put together a string of races so poor you'd think it was his first year in the series. Everyone wrote him off until he stunned the world in Iowa with a shock win--and then wrote him off again after his showing in Toronto.
Simon Pagenaud, #77 (4th - 462 points; 1 pole, 2 wins)
Team: Schmidt Peterson Motorsports
Suggested Nicknames: 'Stealth', 'Ghost', 'Phantom', 'Potentially Amorphous Supernatural Apparition', 'Crouching Simon, Hidden Pagenaud'
Biography: Pagenaud is the ghost in the Indycar machine--sort of like the mirror in that movie where the gorgeous Amy Pond inexplicably chows down on a lightbulb. You won't know he's beaten you until it's too late. He's not the flashiest driver, but take your eye off him for a second--which is very easy to do in an Indycar race--and you'll notice that he's somehow made his way towards the front of the field. In a series where it's easy to make a headline-stealing move or mistake, Pagenaud is inexplicably able to stay off the grid--figuratively speaking, anyway.
Juan Pablo Montoya, #2 (5th - 428 points; 1 pole, 1 win)
Team: Team Penske
Suggested Nicknames: 'The Heavy Colombian', 'McDonald's', 'Action-taker'
Biography: There's not a whole lot you can't say about Montoya. He's certainly been around the block a few times in all kinds of different series--F1, NASCAR, Indycar, Champcar, sportscars--you name it, he's probably raced it. Earlier this year at Poco-a-gogo, he won his first Indycar race in fourteen years. His sheer longevity across different forms of racing in an era where so many racing drivers stick to just one discipline is probably to be admired, but like the rest of us you'll probably be too busy laughing about the one time he tried to pass a douchebag cameraman who broke his f#%kin' head to care.
Scott Dixon, #9 (6th - 387 points; 1 pole, DEFENDING CHAMPION)
Team: Target Chip Ganassi Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'The Original Iceman', 'Dix-off'
Biography: Scott Dixon was victorious in last year's Indycar championship after a hard-fought battle at Fontana, where if you were able to get your car to the end, you could be counted lucky. His championship fortunes this year, however, resemble that of the other Iceman from across the pond--that is to say, virtually non-existent. In spite of this, Dixon's consistently good pace keeps him at the sharp end of the grid and in contention for podiums. Most of the regulars care more about his wife than him, though. What? You were expecting a picture? Go ask Andrew--he knows all about how to find anything on the web related to Indycar.
Carlos Munoz, #34 ® (7th - 384 points)
Team: Andretti Autosport - HVM Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'The Main Carlos'
Biography: Bet you're surprised to see him this far up the table, aren't you? Carlos Munoz has the honor of being the highest-placed Indycar series driver without a win to his name this season--or without a win ever, for that matter. Whether this makes him the Indycar equivalent of Nick Heidfeld or a future champion on the ascendency, we're not yet sure. A few good finishes at the 500 and some pretty consistent results this year mean that victory lane is probably pretty close by on his Indycar Career GPS.
Tony Kanaan, #10 (8th - 380 points)
Team: Target Chip Ganassi Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'TK', 'Kanaanball', 'Cursed'
Biography: Since winning the Indy 500 last year, Tony Kanaan has won exactly 0 races. Like, exactly zero. Completely precisely utterly none. You'd think as the recipient of the injured Dario Franchitti's seat at Ganassi he would've been in the run at least a couple times this year. He has, but in one way or another things seem to break down completely in the most unusual way just before TK can hit victory lane. In Houston, his chance at a top spot was scuppered by weather and being the victim of Graham Rahal (nothing more need be said) during a full-course yellow. In Iowa, he found himself suddenly on the wrong strategy in a race in which he had led almost every lap. And in Toronto, serial randomness kept him away from victory lane. Always a threat for victory, he'll be one to watch this weekend.
Marco Andretti, #25 (9th - 375 points)
Team: Do I have to tell you?
Suggested Nicknames: 'Fireball', 'Andretti Special Son'
Biography: Marco has done a lot to attract the ire of Indy fans here on Autosport, not the least of which includes holding up almost-universal fan-favourite Sato from a lap down in Houston. When he's not making an Andretti Special Son of himself, he's usually attempting (and failing) to make it look like his career is not being carried by his family name. Am I being a little harsh? Maybe--but then again, even Damon Hill and Jacques Villeneuve won world championships.
Sebastian Bourdais, #11 (10th - 358 points, 1 pole, 1 win)
Team: KVSH Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'Seabass'
Biography: Bourdais is still kickin' it at the front old school. With a win in Toronto, Bourdais becomes the four-time champion in motorsport who is actually managing to live up to their reputation this year--the other one ironically once his teammate, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Back here on Planet Indycar, at this point he's basically out of the running for the title barring copious amounts of General Indycar. With four races left, there probably won't be enough.
Ryan Briscoe, #8 (11th - 344 points)
Team: NTT Data Chip Ganassi Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'Briscoe Inferno', 'Not Mikhail Aleshin'
Biography: Ryan Briscoe is one of those drivers about whom you probably won't know a whole lot unless you've either been watching many kinds of racing for a long time or are good at searching Wikipedia. Since I can't really claim either, I'll leave you with what I know. Briscoe is a veteran of open-wheelers and sportscars; it's hard to say if any of his wins have come from talent or from racing longer than most trees live. You can bet he'll consistently score points, usually (not an oxymoron if you actually think about it). Oh, and I lied about the Wikipedia thing. If I hadn't checked, I'd probably be telling you all he came from NASCAR right now.
James Hinchcliffe, #27 (12th - 330 points)
Team: Andretti Autosport
Suggested Nicknames: 'Hinch', 'Heathcliff', 'Heath', 'Heath Bar', 'ABSOLUTELY NOT THE MAYOR OF HINCHTOWN'
Biography: When he's not
Charlie Kimball, #83 (13th - 317 points, DEFENDING RACE WINNER)
Team: Novo Nordisk Chip Ganassi Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'Sugarly-challenged'
Biography: Charlie Kimball made history last year when he became the first Indycar driver with diabetes to win a race, thanks to the Novolog Nordisk FlexPen. Fighting diabetes and an off-beat strategy, Kimball was able to overcome his competitors to taste unsweetened victory (yeah, I stole it, call the pun police and see if I care) for the first time here last year. In spite of having diabetes, Kimball has been near the front for the last few races. Did I mention he has diabetes? Yes? You can bet the commentators will be sure you remember it come race day.
Justin Wilson, #19 (14th - 311 points)
Team: Dale Coyne Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'Chef'
Biography: Justin Wilson is another one of those long-time racing fixtures who's been around the block a few times and still isn't tired of the whole racing driver lifestyle yet--then again, who would be? Consistent top-10 finisher in a lower-midfield team, Wilson is always one to keep an eye on when things get crazy and a lower-placed team can spring a surprise with a good strategy. He'll be near the upper half of the top five if he's given a good car this weekend--I gar-on-tee it!
Mikhail Aleshin, #7 ® (15th - 298 points)
Team: Schmidt Peterson Motorsports
Suggested Nicknames: 'Mikayla Lotion', 'Lotion', 'Owl Lotion', 'God-damned idiot'
Biography: Apart from his numerous recent attempts at reigniting the Russo-Japanese War, Aleshin's claim to Indycar fame is his impossible last name. To this day, we're still not sure whether the commentators are saying it correctly or are occasionally mistaking him for a bottle of Jergens. Based on his recent form, I can't say I blame them.
Josef Newgarden, #67 (16th - 288 points)
Team: Sarah Fisher Hartman Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'Noobgarden', 'Rosset', 'Wrongway Feldman'
Biography: Take Sonic the Hedgehog's less-known, wannabe-cool cousin, add some much needed humility, and plonk him into an Indycar, and you've got Josef Newgarden. Infamous for being the Indycar equivalent of Riccardo Rosset after a failed spin-turn at Toronto. In his defense, he actually did get it right on his second chance, and can punch above his weight given the right strategy. Watch out for him on raceday.
Jack Hawksworth, #98 ® (17th - 287 points)
Team: BHA / BBM with Curb-Agajanian
Suggested Nicknames: 'Jack the Lad', 'Mansell', 'Gandalf'
Biography: The light of Britain, Jack Hawksworth, has made quite an impression on Indycar fans--especially Steve Matchett--during his debut season. Like Pagenaud, he quietly finds his way to the front in races, but unlike Pagenaud, he finishes the job in spectacular fashion. He led most of the Indy GP (not the 500) before taking the Indycar equivalent of a Blue Shell in the form of a full-course yellow (apologies to my colour-blind readers), but really drew attention to himself when he successfully fended off a flurry of action-starved drivers after a late-race caution at Houston, pt. 2 on his way to a podium--on cold, harder-compound tyres. Perhaps one of the best examples of defensive driving we've seen all year.
Graham Rahal, #15 (18th - 266 points)
Team: Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'Graham cracker', 'Full retard'
Biography: Graham Rahal's Indycar career has been sort of like a next-gen gaming console that was released too early--bears the namesake of its predecessor, seems like a promising sequel at a glance, but full of inexplicable ridiculous pitfalls and unacceptable hardware glitches that keep it from truly exploiting every opportunity presented to it. Perhaps the most notable of these occurred after the first boating contest at Houston, when even Wikipedia decided to give up on him.
Carlos Huertas, #18 ® (19th - 265 points, 1 win)
Team: Dale Coyne Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'Fluke Starbucker', 'The Other Carlos'
Biography: The opposite of The Main Carlos, The Other Carlos has the distinction of being the lowest-placed regular driver with a win in the Indycar championship. How did someone so far down actually manage to win a race? It was an Auggie-Ben-Doggie-Day Afternoon in Houston when Carlos Huertas seized the top step of the podium in a miraculous one-off wonder-drive that absolutely nobody--not even Simon Pagenaud--saw coming. While his driving that day was enough to vault him to the front, Huertas has a habit of making a Ham Salad out of most of his races (to which his response is essentially '4Q2'). Apart from his anamolous drive in Houston, watching him race is quintessentially tragicomic--you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss three bucks goodbye.
Takuma Sato, #14 (20th - 234 points, 2 poles)
Team: A.J. Foyt Enterprises
Suggested Nicknames: 'SAATTOOOOOO'
Biography: No attack? No chance! Sato is the reason that dive-bomb passes get called 'banzai' moves. It would be cool to rip him for it if only he wasn't so good at it. Unfortunately, he's equally good at putting himself in the wall, making the 'no chance' part of his motto an all-to-accurate descriptor of his hopes on raceday as of late. Almost everyone loves to see him do well, but for fans of the Japanese driver, it's often a long and painful wait between trips to victory lane. Excitement, however, is always just around the corner--after all, why not Sato?
Sebastian Saavedra, #17 (21st, 229 points, 1 pole)
Team: KV AFS Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'Clutch', 'Double-Birdie, Jr.', 'The Hair'
Biography: When the words 'mistake-prone' come to my mind, the image of Sebastian Saavedra's car is usually crashing into them. Though Saavedra is famous for his less-remembered two-finger salute to fellow racer Marco Andretti in Detroit last year, he is remembered much more for numerous unusual incidents that put him out of a shot for a good result each race weekend. His brush with the walls from a really good position in Iowa and his spin in Toronto are two such incidents just off the top of my head. Standing out above them all, though, is the clusterf#%k he caused on the grid this year at the first Indycar Grand Prix of Indianapolis at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, when, for approxiately 0.458 seconds, either he or his car forgot what a clutch was (should that have been clutch-terf#%k?). Comedy--which, minus time, was tragedy--ensued.
Mike Conway, #20 (22nd, 218 points, 2 wins)
Team: Ed Carptenter Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'Carpenway', 'Co-pilot', 'Double-dash!!'
Biography: Mike Conway shares the cockpit of the #20 Fuzzy's car with team owner Ed Carpenter. One is evidently too chicken to race road courses, the other too chicken to race ovals. They compliment each other nicely except for the fact that it's drivers which score points towards the championship we all care about, not cars. Conway has the reputation of being the Dungeonmaster of Belle Isle, and isn't particularly shabby on other street circuits as well. His road course resume isn't stellar, but that's in no way saying he's incompetent. Keep an eye on him this weekend.
Ed Carpenter, #20 (23rd, 168 points, 1 win, 1 pole)
Team: Ed Carptenter Racing
Suggested Nicknames: 'Special Ed', 'preacher of safe racing/douchebag', 'Father Ed'
Biography: Ed Carpenter's claim to fame this season involves being a part of dubious overtaking incidents on ovals which have been the centerpiece of a few juicy soundbites. At the 500, he forcefully accused Hinchcliffe of making a stupid overtaking move which put both men out of the race. While Hinch was cool about it, the victim of Ed's next door-shut, JPM, wasn't so level-headed, dishing out a quote about Ed's integrity that Ed only wishes he could've matched on the charisma meter during his outburst at Indy. He's not racing this weekend. Why does any of this matter, you ask? He'll almost certainly be in front of the camera.
And now, for our regularly scheduled programming...
Indycar RESPONSIBLE NON-ALCOHOLIC Drinking Game
- I'd like to thank...: Without advertising, there'd be no Ernie, no Bert, bye-bye to Grover, bye-bye to Cookie Monster, there'd be no Snuffleupagus, and forget that trash can, 'cause there ain't no Oscar the Grouch... not to mention KERMIT THE DAMN FROG! Take a sip when you hear any of the following sponsors--'Sunoco', 'Holmatro Safety Team', 'ShopHonda.com/Honda', 'Chevy', 'Verizon', 'National Guard', 'Novolog Nordisk', or 'Firestone'--mentioned in conjunction with any of the following nouns--'fuel', 'car', 'pace-car', 'on-board camera', 'power', or 'tyres'. There are no restrictions on combinations of these. Finish your drink if you hear an unusual pairing thanks to a commentator going full retard (e.g. 'Novolog Nordisk tyres'). Finish the bottle if all of the above sponsors manage to show up in the same sentence.
- Juuuust a bit outside!: Commentators can make or break an event. Indycar probably has the record for racing's largest rotating commentary team across the 456 different networks that show it over the course of a season, so your mileage (kilometerage in Europe?) may vary. Nonetheless, each of them have some quirks and their own (frightfully repetitive) catchphrases. Take a sip whenever you hear the words 'chromehorn', 'sidehorn', 'over-under', or 'barn-burner', the phrases 'good stop there for', 'really working [on]', or 'all over the back of', or a reference to another form of motorsport. Finish your drink whenever a reference to Paul Tracy's career is made, a driver's nickname as mentioned in the spotter guide is used, a driver's push-to-pass total is miscounted, the commentators manage to drop the first syllable from Aleshin's name, or the painfully obvious is missed (e.g. RHR's ascendence to the front in Iowa being missed until he was in 3rd... from 10th... in two laps). Finish the bottle should you hear reference to Charlie Kimball's diabetes or the phrase 'Mayor of Hinchtown'.
- This ain't Mario Kart, but...: It wouldn't be an Indycar race without self-installed driver memes and race themes. Take a sip whenever a rookie collides with another driver, a full-course yellow occurs, or Sato or Will Power attempt a pass. Finish your drink if something unusual robs Tony Kanaan's chance at a victory, Sato, Power, or Aleshin individually cause a full-course yellow or score a podium/win, you realise Pagenaud is on his way to the front, Castroneves reaches a podium place, a car gets airbone, someone flips someone else off on camera, there's a newly-discovered ambiguity in the rulebook, or Montoya takes advantage of Indycar's status on a cable network. Finish the bottle if a rookie driver podiums/wins, or if Sato, Power, and Aleshin manage to all be involved at the same time in something that changes the outcome of the race--this includes but is not limited to winning, crashing, blocking, or an on-camera fist-fight prompting a humorous clashing of cultural CQC while at the same time providing grounds for Interview of the Year from A.J. Foyt.
Indycar Trivia (aka useless information no one should ever need)
- Drivers have scored a combined total of 14 wins and 14 poles out of 14 races. That's a 100% average.
- Drivers in the Indycar Series have also scored a combined total of 8,354 points this year thus far.
- This number was the designation for a third-generation AMD Opteron processor.
- That's an average of 596.714 points per race, 232.056 per driver, 16.575 per driver per race, and 1.88 * 10-4 per driver per race per second.
- The total race distance covered by the Indycar circuit thus far has been 3,196.6 miles, or 5,147.508 km.
- At this distance, Indycar drivers are earning an average of 3.65 * 10-11 points per meter.
- At this rate, if light were an Indycar, it would be earning approximately 0.011 points per second.
- Assuming 1 mol of light were scoring 0.011 points per second, that's 1.827 * 10-26 points per photon per second.
- The average photon would be earning 1.15 * 10-22 points per race.
- Light as a whole, however, would be scoring an average of 69.3 points per race (duh).
And all that being said...
Having set a record for what is probably the longest racing-related Notepad .txt document created this year, I can now rest easy. I'd like to extend a special thanks to the crew of posters who keep in touch with Indycar on this forum and make it such an awesome place to be as well as helping Indycar be amazing fun to follow on here. To those of you who might be newcomers this weekend, I offer you a warm welcome on behalf of all the Indycar crowd here on Autosport. Stick around--I promise you guys will have a great time.
So, without further ado, yada-yada-yada... WE INDYCAR NOW!