"But however mysterious is nature, however ignorant the doctor, however imperfect the present state of physical science,
the patronage and the success of quacks and quackeries are infinitely more wonderful than those of honest and laborious
men of science and their careful experiments."
-- P. T. Barnum
FIA Formula E Round 1 of 10: Olympic Village, Beijing, China
Track length: 2.15 miles
Number of corners: 20 (9.3 per mile)
Unique 'U-shaped' pitlane: Yes
Number of “E” puns masquerading as engaging ad copy: E-ndless
Just under six months ago, the FIA dragged motor sport kicking and screaming quietly into a new, green age. V8s with battery-powered energy recovery systems were out, V6s with battery-powered energy recovery systems and clever turbos were in. A month and a half after that, battery-, flywheel- and supercapacitor-wielding sports prototypes followed F1's Hybrid Hijinx.
Then everyone complained and stopped watching (although mysteriously Le Mans pulled in the biggest crowd for decades). But there was a backup plan. What better way of drowning out the lack of noise in Grand Prix racing than with even less noise? It was crazy enough to work. Bernie gave Frank Williams a ring to ask him if he had any rechargeable AAs going spare. Williams went one better and provided a Genuine Racing Battery. Dallara let him have a GP2 chassis for the weekend and Michelin donated a truck of LMP tyres. An American telecoms company you've never heard of promised to pay for everything.
And now the future is here! City circuits! Electric cars! Human drivers! Rubber tyres! Nick Heidfeld! Formula Excitement! Formula Excellent! Formula Effing Hell.
Formula Qi
The inaugural Formula E e-weekend takes place in Beijing. You've heard of Beijing, it's in China. But don't just take my word for it! Here's the Formula E official e-site: “With a history spanning more than 3,000 years, Beijing has been an integral part of China's history.”
That's very nice Formula E but for these purposes we're only interested in the last six years of Chinese history. The track goes around some roads laid down to ensure Olympic athletes and entourages didn't have to walk through mud or over pavement cracks on the way to their Olympic venues. Jimmy Carter can pose and posture all he likes about bringing the US e-Prix to Atlanta, but until that happens it'll be the only Olympic e-track on the e-calendar.
Anyway. The point is that all these things happen in a specific place at a specific time. Practice, qualifying and the race all take place on the same day, which is such a monumentally good and obvious idea it's amazing it's actually happened in a racing series. They follow each other in the usual order (in China time):
Practice sessions: 8.15 and 10.30 (45 minutes each)
Qualifying: 12.00 till 12.55
FanBoost winners announced: 15.40
Race: 16.00
If you're in the UK the important thing to know is that coverage is live on Freeview's ITV4 and starts at 8am. Radio 5's Miss Jones to James Allen's Rigsby, Jennie Gow, joins Jann Mardenborough in the studio and Jack Nicklaus and Dario Franchitti commentate.
Gimme Shock Treatment
It's time to discuss the Formula Elephant in the room. Formula E is a series with so many gimmicks it resembles what Formula One would look like if it could start with a blank sheet of paper. Music will be played in order to disguise the lack of sound from the cars. In an MTV Awards-style twist, fans can vote for one driver to receive the much-coveted and inevitably mid-capitalized FanBoost. Halfway through the race drivers jump out of their cars, get into the spare and drive off. Personally I don't believe any of these things will happen till I see them, or at least until Dario Franchitti mentions them with his own voice.
Drivers and teams? Weirdly enough if you were to draw up a meat-and-potatoes, non-glitzy Sensible Formula No-Gimmicks, you'd find a lot of Formula E competitors on that list. Andretti, Dragon, DAMS, Aguri; Da Costa, Buemi, Montagny, Servia. There's also an inexplicable manufacturer tie-in, a Moto3 team, an unintentionally hilarious cheese namesake, and a team called “Trulli”. So fans of those who put the “circus” in the phrase “Continental Circus” will have plenty to gape at.
Amlin Aguri
#55 Fabio Leimer (or so says Wikipedia, everyone else says Antonio Felix da Costa)
#77 Katherine Legge
Is that: Yes, the first sighting of Aguri Suzuki since Super Aguri sailed off into the sunset. Team is sponsored by 'Arry 'Amlin, of Clash of the Titans fame.
Andretti Autosport
#27 Franck Montagny
#28 Charles Pic
Will the Super Aguri never end: Three-time Petit Le Mans winner and owner of a baby F1 career with Super Aguri is back! Franck also raced LMP2 Acuras for Mikey in the long ago.
Audi Sport Abt
#11 Lucas di Grassi
#66 Daniel Abt
No hard feelings: Audi Sport are giving Lucas di Grassi a new car to crash and Daniel Abt a new car to be slow in. Whether it's actually possible to make the cars go fast enough not to be slow, let alone to crash, we'll have to see.
China Racing
#88 Ho-Pin Tung
#99 Nelson Piquet, Jr
China doll: Fan favourite Ho-Pin Tung is joined by Nelson Piquet, Jr, whose shenanigans once caused his Formula One team to be dropped by its title sponsor. Thankfully the world's second-largest economy has no trouble associating itself with him.
Dragon Racing
#6 Oriol Servia
#7 Jerome d'Ambrosio
Remember Dragon? I saw Jay Penske on the New York Times homepage the other day in a non-urination story. Oriol Servia is approaching retirement by degrees and D'Ambrosio is one of those F1 drivers who you can't remember whether they actually raced in F1 or not. Did he?
Edam Renault
#8 Nicolas Prost
#9 Sebastian Buemi
Cheesy does it: Beating Pont-l'E-veque to the Formula E franchise, Edam – a team linked in some way to GP2's DAMS organization – have gone and hired one of the three strongest driver line-ups. Does it matter?
Mahindra Racing
#5 Karun Chandhok
#21 Bruno Senna
HRT-rrific: Fresh from not winning in Moto3, Mahindra turn to Formula E with an inevitable driver pairing. They're not bad drivers and Chandhok will have his work cut out schmoozing the media from inside the cockpit.
Trulli!
#10 Jarno Trulli
#18 Michela Cerruti
One-man team: 2005's Jarno Trulli has come out of retirement to write a hit musical, Trulli!, based on his F1 career. The Formula E team is designed to promote the opening night and for all I know Michela Cerruti might be his press officer.
Venturi Grand Prix
#23 Nick Heidfeld
#30 Stephane Sarrazin
Venturi return: Unbelievably, this team is actually related to the Venturi-Larrousse effort from 1992. Hopefully this incarnation of Venturi Grand Prix won't be sold to an on-the-run suspected murderer who is then gunned down by German police.
Virgin Racing
#2 Sam Bird
#3 Jaime Alguersuari
Extra virgin: Two drivers and one sponsor from F1-land, this team is probably the favourite by default. I have no idea whether they'll be quick or not but they're bound to mention how Sir Richard Branson has brought his unique blend of green credentials, space travel and smarm to shoot Formula E into the ionosphere.
Those are the drivers and teams. For some reason, perhaps to do with there not being enough batteries made in case anything goes wrong, there won't be another one of these till November. So enjoy it! Or don't! It could be awful!