"Racing: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship 'Indycar'. Its sixteen-race mission: to explore classic American tracks, to seek out new winners, and crown a new champion--to boldly go where no Dallara has gone before!"
What do cult-spawning 1960's TV shows, dangerous kitchen appliances, sitcoms about nothing, irrational numbers, Pink Floyd, kittens, flying Chevies, hydroxylated alkanes, indigenous delicacies, Karen Gillan, Phil Hartman, Taylor Swift, papier mache, donuts, pizza ranches, alcohol, and a small town on the outskirts of Richmond County, Ohio, all have in common, besides this sentence?
Indycar, obviously!
It's like a bizarre hybrid of Apples to Apples and Six Degrees of Separation--which means it's safe to assume that somewhere, somehow, the Kevin Bacon card had something to do with all this.
There. I'm pretty sure that gets most of the cornballing cheesiness of the last two races out of the way.
Don't touch it. Seriously.
VERIZON Indycar Series Round 14 of 16: The Honda Indy 200 @ Mid-Ohio
INDYCAR? PRAY TELL, WHAT MIGHT THAT BE?
If your first instinct was to read the opening caption in Bill Shatner's voice, then in your heart, you already know what Indycar is. If you're not sure, then stick around and find out with us--because to be honest, we're still not sure ourselves. It's an ever-changing, ever-expanding saga of action-packed open-wheel tragicomedy in which the only thing it's safe to expect is the defiance of expectations. It's the embodiment of everything that's pure and real about racing, mated to the unexplainable regulatory farce and overbearing commercialism that's encoded deep within the series' DNA--and it rarely, if ever, fails to deliver. It doesn't matter what you're looking for from a racing series--back-alley brawls in seedy neighborhoods, tactical battles for victory on a gazillionaire's lawn, a three-hour test of courage at 220+ MPH, total domination by a series champion, strategic warfare triggered by a downpour, a hundred-year-old contest in which the prize is racing immortality, or completely unadulterated chaos, it's all here--and it's all wrapped up in this illustrious parade of irreverent stupidity we call 'Indycar'.
YOU! WHAT
There's some twisty bits, then down into Thunder Valley, and then...
The Mid-Ohio Sportscar Course
First Race: 1970
First Indycar Race: 2007
Track Length: 2.4 miles
Turns: 13
Race Length: 90 laps (Which by my calculation is 203 miles. I guess the 'Honda Indy 203 at Mid-Ohio' just didn't sound right.)
Twitter Feed: https://twitter.com/Mid_Ohio (Until this point I was unaware racetracks could Twitter.)
Weekend Itinerary
Friday, July 31
08:00-08:25: USF2000 Practice
08:40-09:10: Max Chilton Racing Series Practice
09:25-09:50: Pirelli World Challenge GTS Practice
10:05-10:30: 'Pro' Mazda Practice
10:45-12:00: Verizon IndyCar Series Practice
12:15-12:45: USF2000 Qualifying
13:00-13:30: Max Chilton Racing Series Practice
13:45-14:15: Pirelli World Cautions GTS Qualifying
14:30-15:00: Open-Wheel Miata Qualifying
15:15-16:30: Verizon IndyCar Series Practice
16:45-17:25: Cooper Tires USF2000 powered by Mazda Race 1
17:40-18:40: Perennial Wipeout Class GTS Race 1
18:55-19:25: Perennial Wipeout Class GT Practice
Saturday, August 1
08:00-08:35: Indy Lightweights Qualifying
08:50-09:35: Pirelli World Challenge GT Qualifying
09:50-10:30: Cooper Tires USF2000 powered by Mazda Race 2
10:30-11:00: Max Chilton Autograph Session (Indy Fan Village – Infield)
10:45-11:30: Verizon IndyCar Series Practice
11:45-12:45: Plentiful Wacky Crashes GTS Race 2
13:00-14:00: Verizon IndyCar Series Autograph Session (Indy Fan Village Infield)
13:00-13:40: Pro Mazda Championship presented by Cooper Tires Race 1
13:55-14:45: Indy Lights presented by Cooper Tires Race 1
14:15-15:00: Pirelli World Challenge Autograph Session (Infield)
15:00-16:00: USF2000 Autograph Session (Indy Fan Village – Infield)
15:00-16:15: Verizon IndyCar Series Qualifying/Firestone Fast 6
16:15-16:45: Pro Mazda Amateur Autograph Session (Indy Fan Village – Infield)
16:30-17:45: Probably Weird Chaos GT Race 1
18:00-18:40: Cooper Tires USF2000 powered by Mazda Race 3
Sunday, August 2
07:45-08:45: Pace Car/2-Seater rides (by invitation only)
08:50-09:40: Pro Mazda Championship presented by Cooper Tires Race 2
09:45-10:15: Verizon IndyCar Series Warm-Up
10:30-11:35: Indy Lights presented by Cooper Tire Race 2
11:50-12:55: Please Watch Carefully GT Race 2
13:00-14:00: Verizon IndyCar Series Pre-Race Festivities (technically those started right now, but I'm not complaining)
14:00: Verizon IndyCar Series Honda Indy 200 at Mid-Ohio (a.k.a. Ohi-go. I'm never letting it go, Risil!)
All times are local times. Seeing as I have an easier time converting between Celsius and Fahrenheit than I do converting between time zones, I use this, and you should, too! Sadly its function is currently limited to this planet. Shame.
Oh, and lest you suffer the ignominious experience of being mocked by the coding of a web-based fantasy game, I suggest you note that the race is on Sunday. Sunday! Make your fantasy league picks before then, or you will be faced with the prospect of hanging your championship hopes upon drivers whose names only get mentioned during the broadcast when there's either an accident involving them or a slow period in the 'through the field' segment. At least you won't have to worry about DRACONE.
Indycar.com insists that his career actually had 'highlights'. Though I don't doubt that it did, I'm not so sure the words 'highlights' and 'AutoGP' should ever be seen associating with one another in the same sentence.
DEAR MR. FANTASY...
Thanks to the power of the Internet and a few IT boffins whose idea of a romantic evening involves plenty of Kleenex, now you can enjoy all the highs and lows of being an Indycar team owner without the side-effect of stress-induced hair loss!
Originally titled 'Being Roger Penske' before beta version 0.9.22.123a (r1969) introduced the concept of driver salaries and a spending cap, the Indycar Fantasy League gives fans an insight into racing from the perspective of a team owner. The folks at the marketing department would have you believe that this exciting experience involves watching your drivers dice with your one rival for the win while they lead the field to a crushing 1-2-3-4 that would leave even Toto Wolff jealous (especially after the most recent race in Hungary, which could've only gone worse for Mercedes if Paul Tracy had helicoptered onto the track and started machine-gunning their cars). The folks at reality would like to remind you that the far more-likely scenario involves you swearing incongruously at the broadcast as two of your drivers take each other out of the race and another punctures one of their tyres on the debris, triggering a full-course yellow that royally screws your highest-paid driver out of the win (with a total lack of helicoptering Paul Tracys to save the day).
It's not too late to play along for the remaining races! You can find the fantasy league here.
The current league standings are as follows:
This is the part where you pick your favourite broadcaster and imagine their 'championship table' music. Or find a picture of that 90's F1 game and photoshop our names on it. Your call, really.
The fantasy league is scored using the same points system that governs the drivers' championship, which means unless you have a PhD in discrete mathematics, the above table means absolutely nothing to you.
"By my calculations, Skipper, this device should tell us exactly who to pick for the next round of the Indycar fantasy league. All we need to do is keep it away from Gilligan until the next race."
ALL OUR YESTERDAYS
The Verizon Indycar Series can trace its origins back to the ancient city of Indianapolis, Greece, in the year 435 B.C.E., site of the world's first Indycar race and, two minutes later, the world's first full-course yellow. Notable competitors included δύναμη της θέλησης, κρύφιος, τουρμπίνα-φορτηγό φονιάς, and καμικάζι, who did battle on various short-ovals throughout the countryside. For the first few hundred or so years, the series remained regional, and drivers upheld the fine tradition of unpredictability and wheel-banging we've so proudly recognized as a hallmark of the series.
Indycar was threatened by the Championship of Ancient Roman Teams, held in the neighboring land of Rome. As Rome grew to prominence and Greece declined, Indycar as we knew it also fell and was eventually absorbed into the Roman series, whose penchant for showmanship and shoddy officiating (a more serious affair in those days as drive-through penalties involved battling off lions as you made your way through the penalty box) led the series into obscurity. Searching desperately for a way to reignite interest, the Romans introduced the concept of 'arrow kits', allowing drivers to utilize onboard weapons systems against their competitors during the race. While this new brand of racing proved exciting at first, it led to questions about the direction and safety of the sport amongst its competitors.
With the fall of Rome, Indycar slid into oblivion... only to be resurrected thousands of years later in one of those everyday examples of parallel development that evidently occurs all throughout the galaxy.
Corner marshals have been wearing white for thousands of years!
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
The recap of last weekend's race already, you say? What were you expecting, a host of Ohioistic idiosyncrasies to allow you a sampling of the local flavor ahead of the race weekend? YOU WERE WRONG! This is INDYCAR.
"Shtarker, this is INDYCAR. Ve don't LOGIC here!"
While most of the American racing scene was busy yammering on about the 'Hey Y'all 400' or whatever the hell was racing on an oval in Trucktopia last weekend, we were busy watching the sun set on ex-Hey Y'all 400-winner Juan-Pablo Montoya's championship lead in Iowa. A retirement due to a suspension failure set up the Iowa Corn ETHANOL-POWERED 300 to parallel the 2006 Hungarian GP, in which all of the championship contenders had their race either ended or hampered by bizarre circumstances until a Honda driver ended up winning.
Iowa corn-bowl ace Ryan Hunter-Reay allegedly fought off a bad-tempered array of primates to claim victory at the same place he last recorded a win, one year ago, prompting questions as to why he can't drive that way more than once a year. Presumably Penske-material Josef Newgarden racked up another good second-place, while rookie of the year candidate (amongst other 'something' of the year awards) Sage "Tag 'em and Bag 'em" Karam rounded out the podium, snagging third for the first time.
Fighting off a bad day in fourth place was the boyfriend of Courtney Force, followed by Detroit 'race' winner Carlos Munoz in fifth, and the highly-disgruntled Ed Carpenter in sixth. Championship hopefuls Scott Dixon, Will Power, and Tony Kanaan all provided more data in support of Proximal Championship Magnetism Theory, while Sebastien Bourdais--who in Milwaukee added 'ending a feud with Paul Tracy' and 'losing weight from donuts' to 'dividing by zero' and 'traveling back in time' as part of the list of impossible things made plausible by Indycar--came home just outside the top twelve (the arbitrary finishing positions for which bonus $$$ are evidently given away).
Post-Race FestivitiesTM were made entertaining when Special Ed made his way over to Karam Korner of Victory Lane following a heated on-track communication in the vein of the Paul Tracy School of Sign Language. In spite of the Indy-cent exposure in the conversation, presented to the viewers as a result of a moment of Indy-cision on behalf of the broadcaster, we were given another Indy-finable Indycar moment as the old guard faced off against Indytrek's Next Generation, outside the car. The word 'fascinating'--amongst other f-words--characterized the exchange. Of all the drivers on the grid you wanted to tell to 'sod off' (if you're in Britain, this is an insult; if you're in America, this is a shotgun), picking two who are each respectively famous for banzai moves and neglecting their spotter probably wasn't the best idea. (#IndyRivals)
When the dust (and the corn--bet you're glad this recap is over) finally settled on Wednesday, RHR became the first winner in three weeks to not collect a post-race fine after winning. I say that like it's a bad thing.
BUT WHAT OF
Good question. I'm a writer, not a racing analyst. But since I'm writing about racing, I have to offer a little 'analysis' every now and then. So let's look at our top ten real quick:
(Position, Driver, and Points)
1st Juan-Pablo Montoya 445 pts
2nd Graham Rahal 403 pts
3rd Scott Dixon 397 pts
4th Helio Castroneves 391 pts
5th Will Power 390 pts
6th Sebastien Bourdais 366 pts
7th Marco Andretti 358 pts
8th Josef Newgarden 352 pts
9th Tony Kanaan 324 pts
10th Simon Pagenaud 294 pts
Season Summary
Throughout the season, we've run the emotional gamut of terror and triumph, joy and despair, skill and SATOOOO. And through it all, JPM has been riding a tidal wave of momentum so big it could be the subject of a B-grade disaster flick. Only a suspension failure prevented him from being a factor in Iowa, where all of his title rivals hit mysterious issues. Having won the Indy 500 and held the first-place spot in the standings all year, Juan has been the man to beat, as well as the butt of every single 'Juan' pun imaginable (seriously, name Juan we haven't heard--I dare you).
On the topic of B-grade disaster flicks, Graham Rahal's season has been about as inconspicuous as a Sharknado. The lone torchbearer for the recalcitrant Honda effort in Indycar's 2015 season, he's led a title campaign so intense you would almost be surprised to find he hasn't chainsawed his way through a shark at some point this year (then again, this is Indycar we're talking about...). Perhaps it's fitting that his only win so far this season came at the pulse-quickening MAVTV 500. He's not second in the standings because of luck, that's for sure.
In third, fourth, and fifth, we have the remainder of the 'this would be an exciting title fight if Montoya didn't exist' club. Scott Dixon has won the most races of this group but has also suffered mechanical problems in Iowa and teammate problems in Detroit. Helio Castroneves has continued his trend of being consistent, just not consistently the best, cementing his status as Indycar's eternal bridesmaid. Will Power continues his dual existence as a driver and a question mark, alternating between being totally on it and totally clueless; wisdom points to his massacre of the field in Sonoma last year as potentially causing an upset with double points at stake, but that is wisdom, and this is Indycar.
The remainder of the championship table consists of drivers whom you tend to feel are performing better in the title than they actually are--chiefly those who are somehow behind Marco Andretti. Josef Newgarden's position, in spite of his two wins, is perplexing enough to be the topic of an episode of Ellery Queen. Meanwhile, Kanaan's performance has been lackluster, and Pagenaud's season has raised more questions than a confused organic chemistry student--last year he was famous for being a ninja/ghost/assassin/night stalker/stealth bomber. This year, racing for The Captain, he's appeared markedly disarmed.
I know who the Verizon Indycar Series champion is. Do you? You've got all the clues--put it together!
I'd like to say that was a cutting-edge summary of the season, but by now you probably have the distinct impression this post is stuck in the past, anyway. Nonetheless, we're looking at a season with nine different winners and a five-way title fight that's tightening right up with just three rounds to go and double points still on offer in the finale. I don't know what's more amazing: that, or the fact that I've made it this far into this post without the picture of Will Power shooting a double-barreled 'sod-off' bird at race control.
There it is.
BREAD AND CIRCUSES
The Indycar Fan Quiz!
New to our 'fun 'n games' segment is the Indycar Fan Quiz! Prove your knowledge of Indycar by answering the following questions. Prizes sadly do not include a ride in the two-seater, but do include a Karen Gillan gif for participation. You know in your heart which one you'd rather have.
Commence Quiz
1. Indycar race strategy is usually contingent upon...
-A- Rain
-B- Yellows
-C- Lunar eclipses
-D- Indycar
2. Which of the following is a reason a driver might win an Indycar race?
-A- Firestone tyres
-B- Sunoco fuel
-C- ShopHonda.com
-D- Verizon
3. During an Indycar race, drivers often try to...
-A- Avoid crashing out
-B- Avoid other drivers
-C- Cause a yellow
-D- A and B
4. Sage Karam is...
-A- Young
-B- Talented
-C- An idiot
-D- A and C
5. Indycar is the world's best open-wheel series because of...
-A- Tracks no one cares about
-B- The shortest calendar in the world
-C- Incompetent stewards
-D- Incompetent drivers
6. Scott Dixon is best known for...
-A- Winning the Indy 500 twice
-B- Winning the Indycar title 3 times
-C- Saving fuel
-D- None of the above
7. The best way to follow an Indycar race is...
-A- Sixteen, wide-eyed
-B- Joe Hart
-C- The VERIZON Indycar '15 App
-D- Nigeria
8. Ed Carpenter's favorite use of airtime is...
-A- Blaming his spotter for an accident
-B- Blaming another driver for an accident
-C- Landing
-D- All of the above
9. Which of the following words best describes Helio Castroneves?
-A- Spirited
-B- Vivacious
-C- Excited
-D- Animated
10. Why not Sato?
-A- Indycar
-B- F1
-C- SATOOO
-D- MotoGP
End of Quiz
ANSWERS:
Trrrrrrrrrrrivia!
- Spelled backwards, Indycar is 'Racy D'ni'. Apprently, some of those books involved racing.
- The average speed of last year's race was 108.14 mph.
- This number refers to the 'Administration' chapter of the 'Unemployment Insurance and Reserves' statute of the Wisconsin State Legislature.
- Scott Dixon has won this race a record five times.
- Five times is also roughly equivalent to the WTFs/hour quotient of the previous race.
- Michael Andretti is the winner of the longest Honda Indy 200, with a race time of 2:19.27.
- This is roughly the longest amount of time we've gone without a Karen Gillan reference in one of these threads.
- Porsche has actually won this race as an engine supplier. The driver was Teo Fabi.
- 'Teo Fabi' is an anagram of 'Fate Boi'.
- This is the second unpaired trivia snippet in this feature.
THE WAIT IS OVER... LET'S START THE WEEKEND
So last year, Scott Dixon romped away into the sunset in an economy run that was more 'run' than 'economy', yet managed to be more of both than any of the field could put together to stop him. If Dixon had a road-course backyard, this would be it. As the championship intensifies, we approach two tracks on which Dixon won last year. Is this the point where we see him cement his status as JPM's competitor? Will Honda finally prove to be the demise of Rahal's championship hopes, or is this the first road course where they come back at Chevy on merit--one on which they've won all but once since Indycar has raced here as Indycar? Or will we see yet another different winner this year? Tony Kanaan and Simon Pagenaud are long overdue a trip to the podium's top step. Maybe them? Will one of the double points races do what Abu Dhabi failed to do in 2014 and leave us swearing at an unworthy champion? Could any of the contenders this year be considered unworthy? Will I continue to disrespect the series' use of a totally pointless capital 'c' in its name?
As always, there's only one way to find out--join us here as we witness the next chapter of the forever-evolving, always-entertaining, perpetually-unpredictable adventure that is Indycar!
"You have reality, we have Indycar. May you find your way as pleasant."
And one last thing...
This one's for you, Jules. We'll miss you, buddy.