Christmas fun and frolics
#1
Posted 23 December 2009 - 20:36
#3
Posted 24 December 2009 - 00:09
When I started riding bikes I had a friend who was somewhat crazier than anyone else, not that he was fast or anything, just daft. He reported his car stolen once and while the police were asking him where he parked it he remembered he'd left it in the car park in town and walked home drunk
Anyway, he had a little 50cc Motobi back in 74 and we went to the garage to fill up (when petrol was cheap!) and he checked the fuel/oil ratio to mix with one of those pumps there for the two stroke. Seeing it was 20/1 he put in 20 shots of two stroke and one gallon of petrol After being unloaded of a weeks wages at the till we rode off (yes it started!) with three of us following the smoke. Couldn't see a thing at all It lost power badly and he tried to take the corner at the top of our road and crashed into a post box. He also had a police cadet on the back which made it funnier. He's the only person I've ever heard of in court for "riding a bicycle like a person obsessed with madness: as the witness said after he tried to ride off on his pushbike with a broken leg
He was thrown out of a nightclub for staring at the girl lead singer for the band and then giving her a wrapped up turd I was on the back once and he was riding in a ditch without realizing it, similar to throwing out the test examiner from his car two miles from the test centre after deciding he had failed and it wasn't worth going further. It took 8 tests, one of which he failed by crashing into the car infront at the start and another when he declared it "too dangerous" to stop at a red traffic light
He couldn't find the way out of the tent he was sharing when camping so he crapped on his suitcase. We were in his car driving when he was a learner and we were all leaning over and one of us asked him if it might be better to drive with 4 wheels on the road! He crashed into a white Jag outside the chippy and sprayed his Hillman Imp with black paint to cover the white off the Jag then stood behind the guy waiting for his chips.
Many more too, the original Frank Spencer
Just an hour after his dad passed away there was a knock on my door "me dad's dead are you coming out to play?"
What a diamond Glad he didn't ever ride anything bigger I wonder where Hoppy is now?
David
#4
Posted 24 December 2009 - 02:34
The things you do as kids Or Some Mothers do 'Ave them"
When I started riding bikes I had a friend who was somewhat crazier than anyone else, not that he was fast or anything, just daft. He reported his car stolen once and while the police were asking him where he parked it he remembered he'd left it in the car park in town and walked home drunk
Anyway, he had a little 50cc Motobi back in 74 and we went to the garage to fill up (when petrol was cheap!) and he checked the fuel/oil ratio to mix with one of those pumps there for the two stroke. Seeing it was 20/1 he put in 20 shots of two stroke and one gallon of petrol After being unloaded of a weeks wages at the till we rode off (yes it started!) with three of us following the smoke. Couldn't see a thing at all It lost power badly and he tried to take the corner at the top of our road and crashed into a post box. He also had a police cadet on the back which made it funnier. He's the only person I've ever heard of in court for "riding a bicycle like a person obsessed with madness: as the witness said after he tried to ride off on his pushbike with a broken leg
He was thrown out of a nightclub for staring at the girl lead singer for the band and then giving her a wrapped up turd I was on the back once and he was riding in a ditch without realizing it, similar to throwing out the test examiner from his car two miles from the test centre after deciding he had failed and it wasn't worth going further. It took 8 tests, one of which he failed by crashing into the car infront at the start and another when he declared it "too dangerous" to stop at a red traffic light
He couldn't find the way out of the tent he was sharing when camping so he crapped on his suitcase. We were in his car driving when he was a learner and we were all leaning over and one of us asked him if it might be better to drive with 4 wheels on the road! He crashed into a white Jag outside the chippy and sprayed his Hillman Imp with black paint to cover the white off the Jag then stood behind the guy waiting for his chips.
Many more too, the original Frank Spencer
Just an hour after his dad passed away there was a knock on my door "me dad's dead are you coming out to play?"
What a diamond Glad he didn't ever ride anything bigger I wonder where Hoppy is now?
David
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Stu Avant
PO Box 5004 ( 11 Dobney Ave )
Wagga Wagga NSW 2650
Edited by mba21, 24 December 2009 - 02:41.
#5
Posted 24 December 2009 - 10:28
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Stu Avant
PO Box 5004 ( 11 Dobney Ave )
Wagga Wagga NSW 2650
from 'letters to the council' (allegedly)
"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."
"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."
"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."
"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"
"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."
"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."
"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."
"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."
"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."
"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."
"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."
"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."
"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."
"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."
"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."
"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."
"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."
#6
Posted 24 December 2009 - 10:36
How did I get dragged into this, hot as hell in Sydney and I was pissing myself reading the "Tommy Cooper"jokes above. My wife just said what the ****, why are you on the forum on Xmas eve and how are you going to get organised for tommorow and I said "Just like that""Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Stu Avant
PO Box 5004 ( 11 Dobney Ave )
Wagga Wagga NSW 2650
#7
Posted 24 December 2009 - 10:47
How did I get dragged into this, hot as hell in Sydney and I was pissing myself reading the "Tommy Cooper"jokes above. My wife just said what the ****, why are you on the forum on Xmas eve and how are you going to get organised for tommorow and I said "Just like that""
Havin a good ole laff here stu
#8
Posted 24 December 2009 - 10:50
How did I get dragged into this, hot as hell in Sydney and I was pissing myself reading the "Tommy Cooper"jokes above. My wife just said what the ****, why are you on the forum on Xmas eve and how are you going to get organised for tommorow and I said "Just like that""
I suppose you will be havin a barbie and a few tubes o larger on the beach on xmas day
#9
Posted 24 December 2009 - 11:53
I suppose you will be havin a barbie and a few tubes o larger on the beach on xmas day
Who wants the Pope Joke? (billed as 'the funniest joke in the world' by Bike! Magazine) I liked that Stu by the way My wife (who is American) loves the 'back passage ' one MBA As my old maths teacher Jock Falla used to say' If ye have nai got a rubber use the boy's behind!'
David
#12
Posted 24 December 2009 - 21:53
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. etc etc etc
This is the original recording of the story (told in 1958)
#15
Posted 24 December 2009 - 22:59
An Xmas family game for you...
http://www.eyegas.com/sproutifarts/
What a great game , Mick , brings a new meaning to ' all wind and piss '
#16
Posted 24 December 2009 - 23:01
What a great game , Mick , brings a new meaning to ' all wind and piss '
Nothing like a big plate o sprouts and gravy
#19
Posted 24 December 2009 - 23:44
Obviously some hi tech form of road transport from the time of Edsel Murphy
Ermmmm is that a young Michael Schumacher on the left ?
Looks Like a Ner-A-Car to me but then it probably isn't!
David
Advertisement
#20
Posted 25 December 2009 - 00:32
Wife says to husband "I wish I had bigger boobs, perhaps I should go in for a breast enlargement, what do you think?" Husband says "we can’t afford that sort of expense, but I know how to increase the size of your boobs without surgery and it won't cost us a penny". "All you have to do is rub some toilet paper between your boobs for about ten seconds every day and over time they will start to get bigger". So wifey rubs toilet paper in between her boobs every day for a couple of weeks, then complains to her husband that it doesn't seem to be working. Husband says "be patient darling, it might take up to a year or so, but keep rubbing toilet paper between them and I promise you they’ll get bigger”. "How can you be so sure?" says the wife. Husband replies “well it worked for your arse didn't it!"
Merry Xmas all,
Barry.
#21
Posted 25 December 2009 - 01:16
Ok lads - try this one :
Wife says to husband "I wish I had bigger boobs, perhaps I should go in for a breast enlargement, what do you think?" Husband says "we can’t afford that sort of expense, but I know how to increase the size of your boobs without surgery and it won't cost us a penny". "All you have to do is rub some toilet paper between your boobs for about ten seconds every day and over time they will start to get bigger". So wifey rubs toilet paper in between her boobs every day for a couple of weeks, then complains to her husband that it doesn't seem to be working. Husband says "be patient darling, it might take up to a year or so, but keep rubbing toilet paper between them and I promise you they’ll get bigger”. "How can you be so sure?" says the wife. Husband replies “well it worked for your arse didn't it!"
Merry Xmas all,
Barry.
Yep, that just about sums it up Barry
#22
Posted 25 December 2009 - 08:45
Yep, that just about sums it up Barry
Twas a cracker laffin like hell here.
Merry xmas to one and all frohe Weihnachten zu Ihnen alle
#23
Posted 25 December 2009 - 09:11
Ok lads - try this one :
"How can you be so sure?" says the wife. Husband replies "well it worked for your arse didn't it!"
Merry Xmas all,
Barry.
Nice one Barry Merry Christmas to all
Keep 'em coming lads !!!!
#25
Posted 25 December 2009 - 09:33
#26
Posted 25 December 2009 - 09:36
Eeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr quite
Good mornin Fil and a merry xmas to you
#27
Posted 25 December 2009 - 09:41
Good mornin Fil and a merry xmas to you
Same to you ,21 , hope you don't overdo the !!!
#28
Posted 25 December 2009 - 09:45
Well its bloody mayhem outside my house,why do parents buy kids battery powered cars and trikes and then let em loose on the road without telling em how to stop etc ,and radio controlled cars etc,its a bloody madhouse hereSame to you ,21 , hope you don't overdo the !!!
#29
Posted 25 December 2009 - 09:53
Well its bloody mayhem outside my house,why do parents buy kids battery powered cars and trikes and then let em loose on the road without telling em how to stop etc ,and radio controlled cars etc,its a bloody madhouse here
I suppose it could be worse they could all be in nicked wheels ------ as normal
#30
Posted 25 December 2009 - 10:06
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure
is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the
cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to
tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right,
but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
#31
Posted 25 December 2009 - 10:12
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure
is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the
cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to
tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right,
but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
He he he he he
#32
Posted 25 December 2009 - 10:25
>
>
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> She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything
> you
> say can and will be held against you..."
>
>
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> The drunk says:
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> "Tits."
>
#34
Posted 25 December 2009 - 21:52
David