329 replies to this topic

[Andrew Hope]

WE IOWA NOW!





The Iowa round of the IndyCar series has her grid set by 3 qualifying races, each one featuring over six minutes of racing. In other words, you may actually want to watch qualifying this week, and you can do so on IndyCar.com on Saturday, June 22nd. And remember, those heat races actually mean something because points are dished out for your eventual starting spot as follows:

9pts for pole,
8pts for second, etc.
3pts for seventh, eighth
2pts for ninth, tenth
1pt for eleventh, twelfth

You won't want to miss that battle for tenth. Join us in this here thread for the usual banter during race weekend. Be there or be square, and if you don't wanna be square:

Dat Schedule:

22 June (Saturday)

Practice: 11:45am - 1:00pm
Heat race qualifying: 4:00pm - 4:45pm
Heat 1: 6:45pm - 7:10pm
Heat 2: 7:15pm - 7:40pm
Heat 3: 7:45pm - 8:15pm

23 June (Sunday)

Race: 3:00pm - 5:30pm

Note: All times posted Eastern/Greatest time zone. For West Coast USA, subtract 3 hours. For British/European, add 5 hours. For Nigeria, add 4 days.

Other Important Stuff:
(click to open .pdf)

Entry list
Spotter guide
Pit lane assignments
Full schedule

"I can't watch the race on TV! Can someone give me a stream?"

NO! Streams are bad, and here's why:

• First of all, they hurt us all in the long run.
• It even hurts the drivers you claim to love.
• Really, what the hell is wrong with you?
• So what if everyone does it?
• To steal from American cable companies: the shame of it!
• Racing is there because fans PAY for it to be there.
• Often, it feels like we just don't need to pay, but we do, and it's our job as honorable citizens throw our money at things we care about.
• Well, did you know you can go to jail for watching streams? You can either pay with your money or with your butt.
• Such penalties may seem harsh, but they are necessary in modern society.
• Please, please, just buy a sports package from your local cable supplier.
• Or if you can't, watch the race at the bar and support local businesses!
• Right or wrong, the people who make our laws know what's best for us.
• This is why our brave troops defend our freedom.
• So remember: if you watch the race on a stream, you hate our heroes.

Iowa joined the United States in 1846, 70 years after the United States declared independence and 42 years after Will Power assured everyone he was bound to win a race again one of these days. The road course/street course/oval/rally/hillclimb/drag strip/dirt/ice/tarmac/snow specialist remains convinced, however, he is still the best driver on the grid, which confused current championship leader Hélio Castroneves, since the points standings say something else. The Iowa round of the championship has been one of the more entertaining races on the calendar in recent years and past races are fondly remembered as a couple of the dozens of things that have happened in Iowa. Past winners include Tony Kanaan, Dario Franchitti, and Dan Wheldon. Past losers include the fans.

For you lucky bastards who managed to pick a box of Corn Flakes with race tickets inside them this week, here is our obligatory circuit map with a handy legend for everything you might need on your trip to the American heartland:



What happened last year? For that matter, what the hell happened last week? Ryan Hunter-Reay won at Milwaukee, driving like everyone else was just running and dragging their cars behind them. Takuma Sato looked threatening but was boned by an unlucky yellow flag. Marco Andretti looked strong but his car let him down, causing him to then complain as though this sort of thing had never happened to anyone before. Hélio Castroneves finished second, and therefore climbed only a smaller, secondary fence he keeps in his trailer. Will Power finished third. As for last year, Ryan Hunter-Reay won that too, proving that he's not just a pretty face, or even one. The 2012 Iowa Corn 250 also saw Marco Andretti finish second, Tony Kanaan finish third, and all the rest of us 2 hours closer to death. It was a pivotal point in the season for eventual champ RHR, who arrived fashionably late to the title chase. Marco Andretti was fashionably uninvited.

As for what's happened since the last race, this screen grab of IndyCar's homepage sums the past week up nicely enough:



The biggest talking point going into this season was the scrap between Honda and Chevrolet. Envisioned to be a titanic war something like our version of the Senna vs. Prost battles, after 9 rounds of the championship it is beginning to look more like the battle between Hiroshima and the Enola Gay. Honda has won only 3 of the 9 events so far this year, and Chevrolets sit pretty on the top 3 places of the current standings (Takuma Sato is the highest-placed Honda, in 4th).

So you've never watched IndyCar before and you don't know who to cheer for? No problem: pick a driver you like, and throw empty whiskey bottles at your family and friends when he doesn't win! There are 22 full-time drivers in IndyCar this year. Hey, that's like F1!

Takuma Sato
Drives for Foyt and has a win already this year. His career since drifting over from Formula 1 may be best explained as a weekly internal battle inside the commentators not to use the banzai and kamikaze references that fit oh-so perfectly.

James Hinchcliffe
Confirmed bro. Does funny things like pretending to be Danica and fooling everyone until he wins the race. All that and a beautiful smile.

Ryan Hunter-Reay
Nice guy, likes fishing. Defending series champ, too. Controversial among IndyCar fans, who can't decide if it's the lack of tits or the lack of personality keeping him from becoming a household name. Of course, it's also possible the fans just suck.

E.J. Viso
Drives for Andretti Autosport and has looked promising this year thanks to a change in driving styles in the off-season, to driving fast around the corner from driving even faster into the wall. It seems like his first victory is coming soon.

Marco Andretti
Yeah, you should recognize the name. Seems like a reasonable talent but his team usually finds a way to cock it all up for him. Likely career in acting after racing.

Alex Tagliani
Oldest driver on the grid. You often forget he's in the race, until he forgets he's in the race, and then you remember he's in the wall.

Scott Dixon
2-time series champ. A fun guy to cheer for in years past, but this season his car seems to be made up of all the parts that fell off of his teammate's car at the previous race, with an engine stuck together with grease from Dario's hair.

Dario Franchitti
4-time series champ. Expected to win all the time and usually does, but has been doing suspiciously poorly this year. Hated by many due to a decade's worth of Indy 500 final laps being missed thanks to TV cameras showing his wife and where her boobs would have been instead. In fairness Dario seems like a decent guy off the track, but cheering for any part of the Ganassi empire is like going to the casino and cheering for the house.

Charlie Kimball
Sponsored by the Novo Nordisk Flexpen, which can write upside down, inside out, under water, and in space: all places Kimball regularly ends up during the race.

Justin Wilson
Former F1 driver with Minardi and Jaguar. A very tall driver, he often gains an advantage during restarts from being able to see the green flag waving above the heads of the 25 drivers ahead of him. One to watch this weekend as he's debuting new hardware: his team has bowed to the inevitable and relabled the Push-2-Pass button on Wilson's steering wheel to the Push-2-Be-Passed-Next-Lap button.

Sebastian Saavedra
Young Colombian driver and heir to the Pantene fortune. Not as bad as people say he is, but not a hell of a lot better, either. Kinda like gin.

Sebastien Bourdais
Frenchman who consistently outperforms his equipment, often by walking in front of his car. Either spectacled or bespectacled. Looks the same after every race.

Ed Carpenter
Excellent on left turns, somewhat less so on right ones. Guaranteed his oval career by being rather great on them, and guaranteed his road course career by marrying the boss's daughter.

Tony Kanaan
Lovable Brazilian and reigning Indy 500 champ. Despite being teamed with the adorable and single Simona di Silvestro, he continues to carry on a bromance with former F1 2nd-placer Rubens Barrichello.

Simona de Silvestro
Blossoming talent with a bright future as a pit-lane reporter. Usually heard from around lap 30. A near-perfect doppleganger for Shay Laren, though sadly only from the neck up.

Graham Rahal
Youngster who won his 2nd ever IndyCar race at the age of 19 and has managed to surf off it for the past four seasons. Formerly Lebanese.

James Jakes
Another lanky Englishman who used to be best remembered for being entirely forgettable. Managed an excellent 2nd place in Detroit last month, however, and seems to be on the rise to stardom.

Josef Newgarden
American version of James Hinchcliffe. One of those guys you never seem to actively cheer for, but then you find out he finished 4th and get all "good for him" on us. Has trouble finding helmets that fit.

Tristan Vautier
IndyCar rookie and resident nice guy. Has already achieved his original motivation for going racing, and everything from here on in is just icing on the cake.

Simon Pagenaud
Champ Car veteran. You forget he's been around as long as he has, sort of like you do with Carly Rae Jepsen. Scored the first win of his IndyCar career at Detroit this year, which is a bit like losing your virginity in the back of a garbage truck, to a garbage truck.

Hélio Castroneves
Former dancer and Spider Man impersonator. Current series points leader thanks to his veteran savvy, which allows him to dodge trouble on the race track as if it were taxes.

Will Power
Two middle fingers with a squawky Australian head attached to them. Has finished 2nd in the championship 3 years in a row. May know how to fly.

Enough of that ****! Who's on first?



Dem Standings

Izod IndyCar Series

1 CASTRONEVES, Hélio (299 pts)
2 HUNTER-REAY, Ryan (283pts)
3 ANDRETTI, Marco (246pts)

Firestone Indy Lights

1 MUNOZ, Carlos (207pts)
2 KARAM, Sage (189pts)
3 CHAVES, Gabby (171pts)

Pro Mazda Championship

1 BRABHAM, Matthew (184pts)
2 FERREIRA, Diego (134pts)
3 BLACKSTOCK, Shelby (118pts)

USF2000

1 HARGROVE, Scott (141pts)
2 GOODEN, Wyatt (88pts)
3 ESTRELA, Danilo (84pts)

G.R.R. Martin Pretentious Initials Championship

1 VISO, Ernesto Jose (183pts)
2 HILDEBRAND, John Regrets (79pts)
3 ALLMENDINGER, Anthony James (65pts)

Nabisco World Animal Crackers Championship

1 SNAKES, James (160pts)
2 BEEATRIZ, Ana (64pts)
3 BRISCOW, Ryan (63pts)

This is getting tedious!

And now, all the usual features!

Unecessary Danica mentions:



You wish you had..

..style like this.

Take a drink every time..

"..and we can't forget about the tires".

Useless Indy Fact of the Day

For only $60, you can show the world you're an IndyCar fan and an alcoholic while still only having to wear one shirt.

Do you remember..

..Wade Cunningham?

Anagram of the Day:

Charlie Kimball / Hairball Lick'em

You read it! You can't un-read it!

Edited by Andrew Hope, 20 June 2013 - 18:15.

[BoschKurve]

The 1998 F1 world championship standings?

I looked at my calendar a few times just to make sure I knew what year it was.

[Ross Stonefeld]

Page formatting is well wide of the racing line, and at that point was just a passenger.

[Andrew Hope]

If that's your only complaint, I'd say the count is 1 and 1 so far.

http://www.amazon.ca...eywords=monitor

Edited by Andrew Hope, 19 June 2013 - 00:31.

[Deluxx]

Quali races aren't on TV? Teh fak NBC.

And also holy crap. I think this is the most detailed post ever in the history of our sport.

And thanks for the Hairball. Literally cannot unsee it.

[Pikachu Racing]

Saturday heat races livestream

http://www.indycar.c...Iowa-heat-races

[Andrew Hope]

And also holy crap. I think this is the most detailed post ever in the history of our sport.

I don't **** around!

[HaydenFan]

Where to start!

Note: All times posted Eastern/Greatest time zone. For West Coast USA, subtract 3 hours. For British/European, add 5 hours. For Nigeria, add 4 days.

BOOM! Now copy and paste this to all other IndyCar threads and that'll keep those 3 guys from Europe who watch quit.

[*]So remember: if you watch the race on a stream, you hate our heroes.

Quoted for truth! Again though, this only impacts those 3 guys who usually sit around the pub in the middle of Britain drinking cheap beer and wishing they knew what time the race started so they could go home to watch.

For you lucky bastards who managed to pick a box of Corn Flakes with race tickets inside them this week, here is our obligatory circuit map with a handy legend for everything you might need on your trip to the American heartland:

Got mine in a box of Corn Pops.

Alex Tagliani
Oldest driver on the grid. You often forget he's in the race, until he forgets he's in the race, and then you remember he's in the wall.

Harsh bro. Seriously harsh. Funny, but harsh.

Dario Franchitti

Wifey is gone though. Means less odd boobage. And if Kanaan could get better, we could see some more of his new wife, or Hinch could be more consistent, his Aussie lady friend could poke her head out in the open.

You read it! You can't un-read it!

Well thank you. 20 minutes I won't be getting back anytime soon. I could have had a beer during that time. Or a good bathroom visit, or even spent some time being glad I had safe search off when I googled Shay Laren. But no, those will be for later because I read this post.

Edited by HaydenFan, 19 June 2013 - 00:45.

[gm914]

Killer OP Hope.

[MattPete]

Birthplace of Captain James Tiberius Kirk:

[Afterburner]

The weekend isn't even upon us, yet this is the best thread yet.

I love the headline with Bourdais from the IndyCar page. "I'm going to jump," with the Eiffel Tower in the background. Priceless.

[Myrvold]

Cornho... WHAT?

If I need to pick a epic thing out of all the greatness in the OP... The 1998 F1 thingy! Lovely!

[greenman]

Quality OP. Dat "screencap"

Here's to another Power podium

[Lemnpiper]

BEST INTRO POST FOR A RACE THREAD I'VE EVER SEEN


WELL DONE ANDREW

[Diablobb81]

Wish i had four hands so i can give OP 4 thumbs up. Quality.

[Lemnpiper]

Speaking of which who is in the Coyne #18 this week?

[Risil]

OP puts the fan in fantastic. Seriously good job bro.

[Muppetmad]

A wonderful opening post with all the key information - I certainly won't need to unnecessarily ask for times this week, and I sure as hell hope I won't need to ask for a stream!

[PayasYouRace]

Corn is always interesting.

Great OP.

UK TV schedule: - ESPN - 23/6 @19:30 (Live) // 26/6 @ 20:00 (Highlights) //27/6 @14:30 (Highlights)

[Andrew Hope]

Thanks guys, a little bit of effort goes a long way. Sorry to all those who opened this thread before Ross reminded me not eveyone has a giant monitor . My number one rule of comedy is.. none of the links lead to what they should.

A wonderful opening post with all the key information - I certainly won't need to unnecessarily ask for times this week, and I sure as hell hope I won't need to ask for a stream!

If you read the first letter of every reason why streams are evil, no one will need to ask for one..

Edited by Andrew Hope, 19 June 2013 - 09:33.

[Muppetmad]

Haha, very clever

Edited by Muppetmad, 19 June 2013 - 09:34.

[greenman]

If you read the first letter of every reason why streams are evil, no one will need to ask for one..

Oh gawd this thing just got more brilliant. I noticed a couple of easter eggs in the links as well. I'm gonna go click on those I haven't yet.

[muramasa]

Takuma Sato
Drives for Foyt and has a win already this year. His career since drifting over from Formula 1 may be best explained as a weekly internal battle inside the commentators not to use the banzai and kamikaze references that fit oh-so perfectly.

"banzai" fits this



or this


or these
http://ninapetronzio...cher v-sign.jpg
http://cdn.sportsmem...t688823-500.jpg
http://2.bp.blogspot...1600/woohoo.jpg





and, "kamikaze" fits this



or this


or this


or this


or these
http://ambition-phot....jpg?1204592631
http://f.hatena.ne.j...10305174401.jpg
http://www.blue-dawn...k/g/2007_07.jpg
http://k-kabegami.sa...isejingu/18.jpg
http://img5.blogs.ya...3265_58789674_0

[gm914]

If you read the first letter of every reason why streams are evil, no one will need to ask for one..

That's some gm914 kind of genius right there. (you guys never even notice)
btw Hope, it was this weekend last year I adopted your quote as my sig.

[senna da silva]

I voted, why not.

[Andrew Hope]

That's some gm914 kind of genius right there. (you guys never even notice)

When I was uploading that track map I tried my best to rock some gm914-esque subtlety, though I may have overdone it.

Edited by Andrew Hope, 19 June 2013 - 13:44.

[Deluxx]

You wish you had..

..style like this.

This is going to give me nightmares.

[biercemountain]

[Prost1997T]

Speaking of which who is in the Coyne #18 this week?

Ana Beatriz.

[SR388]

Why not Sato?






Good post. OP.

[Crazy Canuck]

Commentator quote from Milwaukee:
"Sato's cutting through the traffic like a sushi chef"

At first I was like

And then I was like

True story.

CC

Edited by Crazy Canuck, 19 June 2013 - 16:14.

[Andrew Hope]

Why not Sato?



Good post. OP.

Man, I don't know why, but everything I see a Why Not Sato post it makes me laugh my balls off.

[HaydenFan]

I think some t-shirts will need to be made.

[Deluxx]

I think some t-shirts will need to be made.

[Risil]

2 HILDEBRAND, John Regrets (79pts)

Ha ha, 10 points to Hope! I would've gone for "Just Retired".

[rghojai]

Unreal. If there was a contest here for post of the year -- and why isn't there?! -- this thing would get my vote without hesitation.

[Red17]

[gm914]

[gm914]

When I was uploading that track map I tried my best to rock some gm914-esque subtlety, though I may have overdone it.

"Whoever has yearning never overtakes timidly", said a true ovalracer.

[Deluxx]

This thread needs more pictures imho

[Andrew Hope]

This thread needs more pictures imho

?

[Deluxx]

I'm so glad I'm going to get to dvr skip over the 'Just like my pit crew' commercials this week.

Edited by Deluxx, 20 June 2013 - 04:49.

[prommer]

It boggles my mind that two of the Why not?'s have such a commanding lead over the other three.

[muramasa]

Sato mocking is reaching disgusting level now.

Pathetic.

Also people seem to not understand banzai/kamikaze is pretty much racist remark. Banzai is expression of joy and praise, and kamikaze refers to "benevolent wind", an expression in ancient poems. If SoL is used to mean slave trade, elizabeth to mean exploitation、 matador to mean genocide, ferrari to mean fascism etc then it's inappropriate and surely people would feel unhappy. It's the same.

[Andrew Hope]

I'm pretty sure nearly everyone on this board who follows IndyCar is a fan of Sato and wants him to do well. As for words like kamikaze and banzai, in a racing sense they are nothing short of compliments. Indeed, I'd be prepared to bet quite a lot of money that banzai and kamikaze in a racing context are terms of affection.

[Lemnpiper]

?

Btw how about KORN doin the national anthem

[muramasa]

I'm pretty sure nearly everyone on this board who follows IndyCar is a fan of Sato and wants him to do well. As for words like kamikaze and banzai, in a racing sense they are nothing short of compliments. Indeed, I'd be prepared to bet quite a lot of money that banzai and kamikaze in a racing context are terms of affection.

that's very poor excuse, sorry.
I know things well.

I know more people cheer Sato. But can you really deny he's being made clown here (not just here but many other board tho)? Those who just shout "SATO!" and put stupid pics or joke about it really cheer Sato? I doubt it.

and dont tell an obvious lie about banzai/kamikaze. Such thing as "racing senes" doesnt exist. Why did you put pic of crashing car to be refered by banzai/kamikaze in the first place if they're terms of affection then? They are NEVER used to describe "beautiful pass" or "excellent battle". No way. They ONLY means negatives, mostly describes idiotic, suicidal, brain-fade, failed conducts, in WHATEVER context. At best, in "racing context", they are used to describe rather forceful/risky way of overtaking (late braking, dive inside and squeeze pass), even then it's not positive. Dont even need to reconfirm once again or be told about such basic thing. I know it, you know it and everyone knows it.

[SR388]

that's very poor excuse, sorry.
I know things well.

I know more people cheer Sato. But can you really deny he's being made clown here (not just here but many other board tho)? Those who just shout "SATO!" and put stupid pics or joke about it really cheer Sato? I doubt it.

and dont tell an obvious lie about banzai/kamikaze. Such thing as "racing senes" doesnt exist. Why did you put pic of crashing car to be refered by banzai/kamikaze in the first place if they're terms of affection then? They are NEVER used to describe "beautiful pass" or "excellent battle". No way. They ONLY means negatives, mostly describes idiotic, suicidal, brain-fade, failed conducts, in WHATEVER context. At best, in "racing context", they are used to describe rather forceful/risky way of overtaking (late braking, dive inside and squeeze pass), even then it's not positive. Dont even need to reconfirm once again or be told about such basic thing. I know it, you know it and everyone knows it.

Wow, your jimmies really are rustled. I personally have never made a Kamikaze/banzai remark though. I am a big Sato fan and he is the only person I pull for in IndyCar. I always post picks of the driver, and the comic sans is something I started just for fun when I did the OP for Sao Paulo.

I only speak for myself though. I am sure the rest of them are the intentional bigots you make them out to be.

[gm914]

sounds a tad overreactionary

[biercemountain]

Wow, someone needs to lighten up.

Sato's great fun to watch on track and one of the best things to happen in Indy car for a while. I'm always rooting for the guy. Meanwhile, I don't see anyone complaining about the good-natured fun being directed at the other competitors.