(^^^seems like the recent race threads have started with a musical number, so here goes)
Dear World Motorsports Fan,
Greetings! I'm Mike Pence, Governor of the State of Indiana.
You may know me from such legislation as, well... let's just ignore that for now. That's in the past, thanks partly to the timely intercession of Mark Miles, CEO of IMS and Hulman Racing, and now it's time to move on.
As a result, I am proud to announce that the State of Indiana is open for business -- that is, the business of rubbin' -- er I mean "RACING" like the kind you do in Yurup! We would like to announce that this race is open to people of all beliefs and persuasions, including:
Foreigners
Females*
Hedgehogs
Sons-by-marriage of the Track President*
More Foreigners
Ride Buyers
?????
(^^^this guy tried to enter the state this week on a visa from "Monaco." Yeah right, buddy! Try "Atlantis" next time, why don't you!)
*not actually appearing in this race
MOST IMPORTANTLY, we would like to prove once and for all how tolerant we are in the State of Indiana. We would like to announce that the podium finishers of the 2015 Angie's List Grand Prix of Indianapolis will be free to marry each other to each other and each other in a three-way ceremony, if they so desire. Wedding cakes (from out of state) and champagne (since this race is on a Saturday, it's okay) will be provided for the celebration.
Here is some important information you might need as you enjoy this weekend at the 2015 Angie's List Grand Prix of Indianapolis.
Track map
We have here in Indianapolis the world's foremost oval racetrack. However, just to prove our inclusiveness, and to show that Hoosier Hospitality extends to the entire world, we will race instead on the access roads around the oval. Dunno why y'all would want to do that, but we'll do it anyway.
Turn 1 is a sweeping curve with lots of space and is the best passing spot on the track. Fans who remember the circuit from the Formula Un days will find that the infield areas prior to the oval turn have been redesigned; the back straight has been widened and lengthened in order to make Turn 7 into a better passing spot. Finally, the course makes use of a version of the Turn 13 that was created to accomodate the MotoGP race, rather than make the whole sweep around the Oval Turn 1 that the F1 guys did (well some of them, depending on who made their tires).
Weekend schedule (all times EDT)
The race is on Saturday. The race is on Saturday. THE RACE IS ON SATURDAY.
Watch the Formula E, then stick around a few hours later for this one.
Thursday, 7 May
11.00am - 1.00pm -- Verizon Indycar Series Practice
3:00pm - 4:40pm -- Verizon Indycar Series Practice
USF2000, Pro Mazda, and Indy Lights practices interstitially spaced out through the day
5:55pm -- Pro Mazda Race #1
Friday, 8 May
9:30am - 10.00am USF2000 Qualifying
10.15am - 10.45am Pro Mazda Qualifying
11.00am - 11.45pm Verizon Indycar Series Practice
12.00pm - 12.45pm Indy Lights Qualifying
1:00pm -- USF2000 Race #1
2:00pm -- Pro Mazda Race #2
3:00pm - 4.15pm -- Verizon Indycar Series Qualifying
4.30pm -- Indy Lights Race #1
5.30pm -- Prost1997T's first post of the weekend declaring Max Chilton overrated
Saturday, 9 May
10.30am -- USF2000 Race #2
11.30am - 12.00pm -- Verizon Indycar Morning Warmup (coffee, prunes)
12.15pm -- Pro Mazda Race #3 (attention hogs! err, a rained-out NOLA race rescheduled, actually)
1.25pm -- Indy Lights Race #2
3.30pm -- Deadline for submitting your Atlas Autosport Fantasy Picks.
3.37pm -- Deadline for posting your Will Power jinxes.
3.45pm -- Verizon Indycar Angie's List GP of Indy (on ABC from 3:30pm)
6.00pm -- Vitesse2's deadline for submitting his Fantasy Picks.
Practices should be streamed live on racecontrol.indycar.com. This is an Always Bad Coverage (ABC) race, so who knows what will happen to qualifying coverage. Expect the worst. Maybe attach a tin can on a string to your Roku or something? Hopefully the Nigerians will grace this thread with their presence as needed.
Drivers
Spotters Guide available HERE.
The 23 who started Barber return, including DRACONE and Rodolfo "Speedy" Gonzalez GRUMPY CAT, who both made excellent use of the credit card swiper affixed to the rear wheel guards of the Coyne cars. Andretti runs Justin Wilson. CFH runs J.R. Hildebrand and possibly a giant polar bear. Looks like you'll have to wait for the 500 for Simona de Silvestro to return as well as Conor Daly in the Fueled by Bacon Special.
There will be an attempt to institute positional numbers on the cars this weekend -- or possibly not, if they can't get it working in time. Expect the typical Indycar Implementation Disaster and for the system unaccountably to show DRACONE in the lead at some point.
Also, please note there is NO STANDING START this year. Saavedra will be pleased.
Wha' Happened?
This is the fifth race of the 2015 Indycar season.
In St. Petersburg, Juan Pablo Montoya won in a cloud of carbon dust and aero bits which flew through the air and into the concession area hundreds of yards away, proving why they are aero bits.
In New Orleans, God won by drowning the dissolute Indycar with its right-hand turns and foreigners in a swampy morass. Nobody really won, though James Hinchcliffe was in the lead when the Mercy Rule went into effect.
In Long Beach, Carlton won. I guess Scott Dixon did too, technically.
In Birmingham -- hang on, I think I've been given erroneous information here. It says that two Americans (Josef Newgarden and Graham Rahal) finished 1-2 in the most exciting race of the season. This can't be right. Are there even two Americans in this series?
The Points as they stand
Place...Driver...Team...Wins...Points
1st -- Juan Pablo Montoya, Penske (1) 136pts
2nd -- Helio Castroneves, Penske 133
3rd -- Scott Dixon, Ganassi (1) 123
4th -- Josef Newgarden, CFH (1) 119
5th -- Will Power, Penske 112
6th -- James Hinchcliffe, SPH (1) 110
6th -- Tony Kanaan, Ganassi 110
8th -- Graham Rahal, RLL 103
9th -- Simon Pagenaud, Penske 96
10th -- Sebastien Bourdais, KV 91
Famous Hoosiers and Great Moments in Hoosier History
Beyond enjoying the race, we hope you will delve into some of the people and places of the past that have made Indiana what it is today (a veritable corn husk of its former glory [EDITOR please remove before posting]). Jump on a tractor! Read our books of Hoosier poetry!
Indiana was once known as the "Mother of Vice Presidents" as 10 times between 1868 and 1916, one of the major parties chose a vice presidential nominee from the state. Very few of them won, however.
A young David Letterman ponders the meaning of an accidental merger between Indiana and Ohio.
The undefeated 1976 Indiana Hoosiers basketball team, Prommer's childhood heroes. I have been lead to understand that the Autosport forum enjoys basketball and wholeheartedly welcomes mentions of basketball in their threads. Also, SUCK IT KENTUCKYYYY
According to some Southern people I knew in the 1990s, this adopted Hoosier son has chosen an alternative lifestyle, and therefore we will see him later in the month as the Pace Car driver for the Indy 500. He will not be driving in this race, however. Um, and by alternative lifestyle I meant NASCAR, silly! Get your mind out of the gutter.
In Closing
We welcome all of you to enjoy this Yurup-style race that runs the wrong way down the wrong roads that turn the wrong direction. If you ask me, the only thing that should be turning right is your political viewpoint. But hey, I'm just your Governor. For now...
We just hope you stick around for this little gathering we're doing in two weeks time called the Ninety-Ninth running of the Indianapolis Five Hundred Miles Race. Perhaps you've heard of it?
Yours sincerely and not out of political or economic desperation,
Gov. Mike Pence.
Edited by prommer, 06 May 2015 - 18:05.
Made me smile.
