I'm flying!
WELCOME TO THE ALL-IN-ONE MONACO GP RACE WEEKEND THREAD! MORE MONACO THAN YOU'LL EVER NEED!
Lock up your doors, close all the shades, stock up the icebox, rearrange the living room, hook up the stereo, turn off your cell phones, crack open a beer, munch on some crisps, get your list of pre-written complaints about F1 prepared, and TURN UP THE VOLUME! It's time for the Monaco Grand Prix!
That's right, it's that time of year again, the time where we all kid ourselves into thinking we're going to see the most fantastic race of the year on a life-size one-lane slot-car track that winds through the City of the Tax-Exempt. The hopelessly hopeless excitement that surrounds the annual build-up to the Monaco Grand Prix is like waiting a year between watching episodes of Arrested Development's fourth season; you're bitterly disappointed each time but unable to stop yourself coming back for more because of the cruel invention known as 'hope'—or maybe you're just unable to admit you've made a huge mistake. It's addiction in a nutshell, but without the nut or the shell.
So what is it that makes this one of the most special weekends in motorsport? Read on and find out!
WHY NOT
In case you're wondering, that's why.
Imagine if Formula One were a crown (because screw democracy). As with any crown, this one is decorated with jewels; Monaco is that big gaudy one right on the front that says 'I NEED ATTENTION'—the one around which all the other jewels got placed. Overused metaphor? Certainly, but I'm low on ideas, sleep, and E-85—and metaphors aren't exempt from the laws of natural selection ('cheap', 'easy', and 'works' being the basic criteria, although perhaps that's not exclusive to metaphors).
I have it on the authority of a few past drivers that racing at Monaco is akin to racing one's bicycle around a living room. Since I'm not any good with Photoshop, I'm going to request that at this point you summon the mental image of Piquet, Mansell, et al nervously perched atop a field of Schwinn Stingrays as they wait for the end-table lamp to go out and signal the charge around Ste. Devo—er, the coffee table. Though I appreciate the metaphor, given the wealth most racing drivers command, I'm sure their idea of 'living room' is pretty close to our idea of 'house', so some adjustment is required to get an idea of the scale. Nonetheless, the challenge remains.
It's one of the perverse ironies of the universe that if we love something enough, we spend more time b83ching about it than we do enjoying it. The Monaco Grand Prix is a prime example of that. Here, we have the world's richest talented drivers slicing through a two-mile canyon of armco at close to 150 MPH for two hours—and let's be honest, most of us couldn't even do four consecutive laps at Monaco on the F1 games without sending a $250,000 virtual front wing careening into the harbor (and those controllers won't have anywhere close to as many buttons as a real F1 steering wheel). Do we care that these guys do it for real? Of course not! There's no actual racing going on! BOO!
But every once in a while, somebody decides they're sick of having had to stare at the same gearbox for the last hour, and we all rise to our feet amidst a worldwide multilingual satellite-delivered chorus of 'up the inside!' 'he's going for it!' or 'GOOO-ANHHH!' (well, that one's a little more localized)—all in agreement that one pass at Monaco is worth at least ten anywhere else. And then just like that, success or failure, we all return to sitting back and moaning about how boring Monaco is for another 70 laps because nothing ever happens.
Except things like this, anyway:
SO WHERE, WHEN, HOW, AND WHY SHOULD I TUNE IN THIS WEEKEND?
The Where
It's like... a track! On the streets! And not the baby version that those electro-pansies were racing on a few weeks ago!
The When
Yes, there's actually something other than F1 going on during an F1 weekend. The shocker here is that FR3.5 sorts its qualifying sessions based on even and odd car numbers—which still manages to make more sense than Indycar's qualifying system.
Wednesday, 20th May
15h00: Formula One Drivers Press Conference
Thursday, 21st May
07h00: Closure of track to road traffic (Maldonado is allowed into the principality at this time)
10h00-11h30: Formula One GP Free Practice Session 1 <-- It was so Thursday I thought it was Friday! ~ VJ
12h00-12h45: Indy Lights Europe, Free Practice Session 1
14h00-15h30: Formula One GP Free Practice Session 2
16h15-16h31: Indy Lights Europe, Qualifying Session 1
16h39-16h55: Indy Lights Europe, Qualifying Session 2
16h00-17h00: Formula One Drivers Press Conference
17h30-18h15: Porsche Mobil 1 Supercup Free Practice Session 1
18h30: Opening of track to road traffic (Maldonado is required to have vacated the principality by this time)
Friday, 22nd May (No Formula Un today.)
07h00: Closure of track to road traffic (Maldonado is allowed into the principality at this time)
08h00-08h45: The Racing Series Formerly Home to Robin Frijns Practice Session 1
09h45-10h15: Porsche Mobil 1 Supercup Qualifying Session
11h15-12h20: GP2 Series "Race" 1, maybe 42 laps if we have enough spare parts
13h30: Opening of track to road traffic (Maldonado is required to have vacated the principality by this time)
Saturday, 23rd May
06h00: Closure of track to road traffic (Maldonado is allowed into the principality at this time)
08h00-08h30: Monaco Grand Prix Carb Day and Paddock Club Pitlane Walkabout
09h00-09h25: Formula Renault 3.5 Qualifying Session – even numbers
09h30-09h55: Formula Renault 3.5 Qualifying Session – odd numbers
11h00-12h00: Last Chance for F1 Drivers to Bin it Before Qualifying
12h15-13h45: Paddock Club Pitlane Walkabout resumes
14h00-15h00: Formula 1 GP Qualifying Session
16h10-17h00: GP2 Series "Race" 2, 30 laps
19h30: Opening of track to road traffic (Maldonado is required to have vacated the principality by this time)
Sunday, 24th May
06h00: Closure of track to road traffic (Maldonado is allowed into the principality at this time)
08h00-09h00: Glitz and Glamour
09h45-10h15: Porsche Mobil 1 Supercup Race, 16 laps or 30 minutes, whichever comes first
11h10–11h55: Formula Renault 3.5 Race, 40 minutes + 1 lap (???)
12h25-13h15: Sugar and Spice
12h30: Formula One GP F1 Driver’s Parade
12h45-13h15: Pre-Race Grid Walk
13h46: National Anthem (If it's anything like what happens in Indycar, cover your ears.)
14h00: Monaco Grand Prix, 78 laps (Mona-go...)
19h00: Opening of track to road traffic (Maldonado is required to have vacated the principality by this time)
All times are local. Being a 'Murican, I have no idea WTF local time is for Monaco. I am also lazy. Figger it out yerself, ya gosh-dern Euros!
The How
Depending on your location, a variety of methods can be employed to follow this most premium of premium events. I am not an expert on European coverage options (except in the UK, in which I understand coverage is split between the British Empire and the Murdoch Empire), although I'm assuming that since most of you are nutty enough to be a part of this forum, you already have a preferred way through which to follow the 'sport'. Contributions as to how to follow the race in a particular country are welcome.
I can only speak for my fellow 'Muricans, which means THE RACE IS NOT ON NBCSN, IT'S ON YOUR LOCAL NBC STATION.
THE RACE IS NOT ON NBCSN, IT'S ON YOUR LOCAL NBC STATION.
Now that that's sorted, if you're unable to watch the race or still unsure as to which outlet offers the best coverage, might I offer an alternative?
The Why
Amidst the constant stream of zeds spilling relentlessly from the households of most Monaco GP viewers, we get moments like these:
Alonso delivers the most epic bird-flip in racing history:
Sato gives us one of his trademark WTF moments:
Schumi forces the rule-makers to rewrite the manual... again:
The race no-one wanted to win:
A not-quite spin-and-win:
And 'that one race':
But in spite of what happens on Sunday, Saturday at Monaco is probably the most dramatic of any race weekend:
Hey! Why'd you do that, Bernie's going to have all of these down in a microsecond now that you've got all of them assembled in one place!
No, he won't. Guardian Baby is on the job.
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH WAFFLING ON ABOUT THE PAST—CATCH US UP! WHAT'S HAPPENED SO FAR?
A little less recent than that, you say?
Yes, get on with it! And no more links to Alonso flipping us off!
Better?
The Key Players
This year, Mercedes has continued its foray into the steamroller business; its latest model in a long line of legacy-construction equipment, the W06, has once again triggered universal complaints from fans and teams alike for making races in 2015 utterly predictable.
First in the championship, Lewis Hamilton's season has been like a baby's butt: smooth and explosive. The dominant force and class of the field thus far this year, he's cruised to an easy win in all but two races. Following his series of triumphs in the fly-aways, he went gallivanting off all over the world on a jet-setting tour that would've made James Hunt jealous... and promptly got beaten in Spain by his teammate and likely title rival, Nico Rosberg. But defeats don't last long: Hamilton will be ready to make it Hammertime in Monaco.
Rosberg, F1's new Most Unpopular German, has been under the gun—or hammer, if you prefer—to get his act together this season. After a rough start to the first four races, he finally claimed the top of the podium in Spain in a race that everyone wanted to forget. But it's Barcelona, so maybe it wasn't his fault. Monaco is his hometown (lucky) and one of his best tracks; a threat for victory this weekend, he will be.
Sebastian Vettel, F1's former Most Unpopular German, has been living his childhood dream of daily overtime and fruitless all-nighters—both of which apparently aren't exhausting if you're German, wearing a red shirt, and speaking Italian—in the vein of his hero Michael Schumacher. Ferrari, whose past few seasons have resembled a three-minute lesson in management from the School of Wario, are a fresh face this season, with a fresh face at the helm and a pair of fresh faces driving for them. Embracing a newfound 'family atmosphere', things seem to be looking up—just remember: never go against the family.
Other key players who have threatened near the front but have yet to reach the top step of the podium this season include Kimi Raikkonen and Valtteri Bottas. We're also keeping an eye on the ambition-driven disaster that is 'Renault Energy F1', as well as the disaster that has driven ambition at McLaren Honda, who have lured double-world champ Fernando Alonso into their fold for the season. Insider reports claim that negotiations leading up to this miracle went kind of like this:
Now would you kindly tell us how we got into this mess?
So we're beginning the second quarter of the season, which means that if this were an AMERICAN FOOTBALL game, we'd be ready for half-time after this quarter. But this isn't AMERICAN FOOTBALL! This is F1, in which this means that we're entering half-time after this quarter. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this.
Because creating bogus titles which are capable of transforming into acronyms that spell out various and occasionally vulgar colloquialisms for posterior anatomy in the write-up of long-winded race analyses is a long-held trademark of mine, I've categorically decided that now is the right moment to reallocate my time and resources into a more productive naming paradigm better fit for the arduous demands of writing an opening post suitable for what is widely considered to be the most recognizable and famous Grand Prix in the history of motorsport, covering with incomparable detail to the almost-fullest extent the entire passage of events which has carried us through each race weekend at a rate favorable to the denizens of the principality of Monaco in preparation for the Grand Prix that is regarded as one of the primary tourist attractions for their nation: it is with great anticipation, utmost devotion, incalculable pride, the assistance of an oxygen mask, and unadulterated use of a thesaurus that I have laboured to bring to you the introduction to this week's feature section of our opening post, the Afterburner Season Summary, Always Run-on Sentence Edition. (This is the longest sentence I'm legally capable of using to introduce this.)
In this undeniably handy way to quickly get up to speed with the happenings of the season to date, a recap of each race will be provided to you with a single image and a single sentence. Can't get any simpler, right? Of course not!
Australia
Maldonado crashes so hard he travels from the Star Wars universe into another dimension--the world of Mad Max.
With the first race of the year, we were finally granted an opportunity to shake off the winter break and receive the greetings of a new season which opened with a series of events we all predicted—Mercedes AMG Petronas fulfilling ominous promises of world domination, a potential resurgence of 'The Scuderia', and as shown above, a long-overdue update to the fan-favourite F1 website hasmaldonadocrashedtoday.com—but nonetheless found ourselves satisfied with the proceedings given that Williams proved it was maintaining the form of the previous year, the cars sounded a little bit better, Australia would remain on the calendar as an opening race, a Honda actually finished the race, the Terminator did the podium interviews preceding a spicy press-conference exchange by the two most-despised drivers in Formula One other than Crashtor Murdernado, and we all survived the threat of being bored to death watching something that we all profess to love as a favourite pastime used to occupy every odd dog-day weekend.
Malaysia
Instant karma. Mercedes' race went kinda like this.
In Malaysia, fans and drivers alike witnessed a dream come true, as we were granted a hope—a very small albeit rosso-corsa, horse-shaped one—that the season wouldn't consist of Mercedes barfing all over the opposition as Ferrari returned to
China
One of many unique moments that, combined with the cough medicine and effects of sleep-deprivation, made me wonder why Indycars grew skinny rear wings and hybrid motors past the hour of 4:00 AM.
The Chinese Grand Prix, put in the simplest of terms, was one in which most of the entertainment was found off-track, beginning with a crazed spectator darting across the front straight during practice and demanding that Ferrari allow him to drive one of their cars, followed by the tragicomic attempt of corner marshals to force yet another failed Renault-engined car through an opening in the barriers which will almost certainly be wider when Formula One comes back to China for another race which will hopefully involve less tyre-saving, more actual racing, and more inspired radio transmissions in the vein of the monotonously-spoken but all-too-well understood command, 'get that McLaren out of the way'.
Bahrain
Sparks fly from the titanium skidplates (in a nutshell, the desired product of modern-day F1 rulemaking) mounted at the base of the carbon monocoque (which is incidentally, in Maldonado's case, literally a nutshell).
The weekend of April 19th was a magical time of year, in which the Great Wall of China and the Sakhir International Circuit were the only two manmade objects visible from space, such was the glow from the lights that illuminated Lewis Hamilton's third victory of the season, highlighted the resurgence of an until-then faltering Kimi Raikkonen, exposed the weakness in the braking system of Nico Rosberg's W06, showcased front-wing damage on Sebastian Vettel's Ferrari as conspicuous as the debris that generally prompts NASCAR officials to throw full-course cautions, allowed us to view Valtteri Bottas' brilliant use of anti-drag to keep the aforementioned four-time world champ at bay, failed to drown out the skidplates which allowed F1 the opportunity to hold a race with enough sparks to put the excess showboating of a Michael Bay film on the defensive, and concluded with Daniel Ricciardo deploying the world's most expensive smoke grenade.
Spain
I don't always hold an ice bag on my crotch on live TV, but when I do, I drink Dos Equis. (He'd probably need it to take away the pain, anyway.)
They say that the Hungaroring is the quintessential transposition of the Monaco Grand Prix circuit onto a permanent racing facility, but in terms of fan experience, Catalunya is the surest parallel—the only race of the year to consistently earn an average fan-rating lower than the number of Renault engines remaining at the Red Bull teams, its rating couldn't have been helped this year by the fact that Nico Rosberg claimed victory while Lewis Hamilton was stuck behind Rosberg's compatriot Sebastian Vettel, a scenario which has caused many to identify this race, the conclusion of the season's first quarter, as a potential turning point in the championship, made more so by the fact that most teams brought a wealth of upgrades and we've finally seen a third different winner this season, meaning that we've already matched last year's total with hopefully more to come as we prepare for the next stop in the Formula One circus: Monte Carlo.
GAMES PEOPLE PLAY
Now that you're up to speed, perhaps we should brief you on our regular programming?
Drinking games? The joke's on you!
You're probably going to do something to try to keep yourself busy during the race—this includes but is not limited to checking your phone, grabbing a snack, having a conversation over the race, or scouring the internet for pictures of Karen Gillan (scratch that, actually—I think there's only three of us Indycar perverts that waste time with that one). Because we've all got different commentary teams covering the race (unlike in MotoGP, where viewers around the world get to experience the glorious feats of MAHWK MAHWQUEHZ as told by the same people), it would be fruitless to hold a universal TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE NON-ALCOHOLIC drinking game based on regional idiosyncrasies.
So rather than making the broadcast the subject of a TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE NON-ALCOHOLIC drinking-style game, I suggest we turn our misguided unidirectional ire upon ourselves in an attempt to maintain full focus on the event at hand: every time you catch your attention straying from the race, pinch yourself. Depending on the severity of your distraction, up the strength your self-punishment. Not a masochist? Play the sadist version with some friends instead. It'll be kind of like the 'contest' from Seinfeld, but with immediate and not-so-nice repercussions. Or you can do the sane thing, tell me to f#%k off with my 'game' nonsense, and enjoy the race as you please. I would.
Oh, and one more thing:
Somewhere in Milton Keynes, a lonely electronics guru has just activated this RB7'S onboard camera.
Monaco Grand Prix Trivia, a.k.a. info you could probably grab from Wikipedia if necessary
- Human drivers have won a total of 93.05% of Monaco Grands Prix. The rest were won by a machine racing under the alias of 'Michael Schumacher'.
- The Monaco Grand Prix has been held on roughly five different circuit configurations. I will get fewer hours of sleep than this tonight.
- The Monaco Grand Prix was featured in some movie that some random dude on these forums may have watched get made when he was younger.
- McLaren has won more Monaco Grands Prix than any other team, with 15 victories. This means that if I started a team, I and my business partners (i.e. third-world dictatorships) would probably rack up enough debt for twenty Andrea Modas by the time we ran enough races to match that total.
- Mercedes, with 5 wins at the track, holds the record for the longest gap between victories at Monaco, their last win before 2013 coming prior to World War II, 76 years earlier. If my fictional team were to win races at the same rate as Mercedes has, it would take us 395 years to match McLaren's record. To put this into perspective, Monaco is 149 years old. Make that two-hundred Andrea Modas.
-
- Only one Monaco native, Louis Chiron, has ever won the Grand Prix. This is still more times than a Finnish driver has won their home race.
- Ferrari has not won a race at Monaco in 14 years. They could've canned and re-hired Kimi Raikkonen twice in that period of time.
- A Honda-powered car has not won at Monaco in 19 years. This is longer than Max Verstappen has been alive.
- The length of the race is 260.520 km. This number is the designation for the fan belt of a discontinued Arnold Lawn Mower.
You got all that? Good, 'cause I'm about to pass out.
ALL THAT OUT OF THE WAY, LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
Monaco is, quite rightfully, a legendary place in the world of racing. Notable for being considered part of motor racing's 'triple crown' with the Indianapolis 500 and the 24 Hours of Le Mans, the Monaco Grand Prix is the one that every Formula One driver wants to win above all the others. Winning Monaco means more to a driver than perhaps any spectator could ever understand; perhaps this is the reason why, deep down, in spite of all our complaining, Monaco is the one race we've always got an eye on—the one race of the year of which even our non-racing friends are aware.
And in my case, back in 2003, the race which ignited a passion that will surely burn longer than my lifetime.
Legends of our sport have driven these hallowed streets, tempting fate at every turn, in pursuit of the opportunity to cement their name amongst the greatest racing talents in the world. And while every driver who even gets the chance to contest the Monaco Grand Prix is surely one of the luckiest in the world, only a handful of those will ever taste victory in the grandest Grand Prix of them all. It's the one race on the calendar that's been a fixture for almost as long as Grand Prix racing has existed. Every year at Monaco, drivers tread in the footsteps of legends. Who will add their tally to stand alongside the giants of the past in 2015?
Monaco awaits—let's go racing.
Edited by Afterburner, 15 May 2015 - 15:16.
)
..Must say Im looking forward to this one.Who ever nails quali,has got this one in the pocket. Its also obvious Mercedes have got this one. That said, It will be follow the leader...bring it on! 
