2018 Verizon Indycar Series Round 16 of 17: The Grand Prix of Portland
Remember the 90’s?
“Good boy! All right…”
“Connie!”
“Oh, hey, Jason!”
“What’s goin’ on?”
“Not much. I didn’t know you were back in LA.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
[Hey!]
“I had a pretty amazing trip. I mean, it was… unreal.”
“Really? I can’t wait to hear about it.”
“No, I have like, a lot to tell you.”
*shooowoooosh*
“What is it?”
“Come on! Do you remember the 90’s? When people were talking about F1 drivers coming to America, and people were talking about bringing American open-wheel to Europe?”
“Yeah?”
“There’s a place where that idea still exists as a reality… and I’ve been there.”
“Where is it?”
“Portland.”
“Oregon?”
“Yeah.”
The dream of the 90’s is alive in Portland (Portland, Portland)…
The dream of the 90’s is alive in Portland (The Sunoco Fuel never runs dry-y-y…)
“Remember when people were content to just watch a race for the sake of watching a race? Stay up past 11:00, hanging out with their friends, no matter who won or lost, just to have a good time?”
“Right? I thought that died out a long time ago.”
“Not in Portland. Portland is the city where race fans go to watch a race.”
The dream of the 90’s is alive in Portland (all the hot girls are drivers–yeah…)
“Remember the 90’s? When racing encouraged teams to be weird? It was an amazing time, when people were okay with an oval race being some sort of sideshow, to watch teams just hang something from their rear wing? You could grow up to want to race in CART–people actually went from CART to F1!”
“God, I gave up on that idea a long time ago.”
“Well, in Portland, you don’t have to.”
The dream of the 90’s is alive in Portland (stay up ‘til 11:00, you’ll be in heaven)…
The dream of the 90’s is alive in Portland (the dream is ali-i-ive)…
“So, from what I can surmise from what you’re positing, it’s like Portland’s almost an alternative universe–like, CART won, the IRL never happened!”
“Exactly!”
“In Portland, it’s almost like hybrid racing doesn’t exist–people race straight-up V6’s, twin turbo V6’s! Or V8’s, or I4’s, or even fully electric cars!”
“Yes! Yes!”
The dream of the 90’s is alive in Portland (Tony Kanaan is still around)…
The dream of the 90’s is alive in Portland (Portland… Portland…)
The dream of the 90’s is alive in Portland (Portland… Portland…)
“In Portland you can go to like an Indycar race as an F1 fan!”
Turn that F1 frown right upside-down-down-down…
“In Portland you can put caution stripes on your car and call it a good livery!”
The dream of the 90’s is alive in Portland (Portland… Portland…)
The dream of the 90’s–
“Hey, I made it!”
“Yeah… you’re a little late…”
“Sorry.”
“You’re also a little NASCAR right now, if you know what I mean, I’ll show you... I gotta… sorry…”
[ouch]
“Much better. Welcome to Portland!”
“Thank you!”
The dream of the 90’s is alive in Portland (Portland… Portland… Portland… Portland…)
Portland International Raceway
PIR sounds a lot like VIR. That’s pretty much all they have in common.
Opened: 1960
Track Length: 1.967 mi (between 4,793.428 and 4,985.165 Firestone Tires)
Track Surface: Asphalt
Turns: 12
Laps: 105
Race Distance: 206.535 mi
‘Winningest’ Driver: Al Unser, Jr. & Michael Andretti (3 wins apiece)
‘Winningest’ Team: Newman/Haas (8 wins; feeling like the 90’s yet?)
‘Winningest’ Manufacturer: Lola (12 wins)
Lap Record: 57.597 s (rest in peace, Badass)
Previous Winner: Sébastien Bourdais
Previous Average Speed: 114.816 mi/h
Welcome to the land of lunacy, the kingdom of crazy, the domain of delusion–it’s Portland, the city that was evidently modeled after a messy college dorm. Nowhere else in the world can you find your favorite erotic donut shop, feminist book store (or parody thereof), an adult hide-and-seek league, endless DJ nights, zombie postal workers, nude bike races, alien fruit, and a hyperactive milk advisory board. Only some of this may be truthful, but sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction, making Portland the perfect home for Indycar.
A quick perusal of the event website denotes that the partners for the Verizon Indycar Series race include the Verizon Indycar Series. There’s something autoerotic about that, but hell, it’s Portland. Apparently the Indycar teams love heading to Portland because they have the highest amount of strip clubs per capita. I can’t remember where I got that information, but I can tell you it was interesting.
The Friggin’ Schedule
All times are local (US Pacific Time). If you don’t believe me, it’s here.
Friday, August 31
08:30 – Practice 1: MX-5 Cup
09:10 – Practice 1: Pro Mazda
09:50 – Practice 1: Indy Lights
10:45 – Practice 1: Verizon Indycar Series
11:30 – Autograph Session: Indy Lights/Pro Mazda
11:45 – Practice 1: USF2000
12:30 – Autograph Session: Verizon Indycar Series
12:30 – Practice 2: MX-5 Cup
13:15 – Qualifying 1: Pro Mazda
13:50 – Qualifying 1: Indy Lights
14:00 – Autograph Session: MX-5 Cup
14:30 – Autograph Session: USF2000
14:35 – Practice 2: Verizon Indycar Series
16:15 – Qualifying 1: USF2000
Saturday, September 1
08:30 – Qualifying: MX-5 Cup
09:15 – Qualifying 2: USF2000
09:50 – Qualifying 2: Indy Lights
10:35 – Qualifying 2: Pro Mazda
11:10 – Practice 3: Verizon Indycar Series
12:10 – Race 1: MX-5 Cup
13:10 – Race 1: USF2000
14:05 – Race 1: Indy Lights
15:20 – Qualifying: Verizon Indycar Series
16:50 – Race 1: Pro Mazda
Saturday, September 2
09:00 – Race 2: MX-5 Cup
09:55 – Race 2: Indy Lights
11:30 – Driver Introductions: Verizon Indycar Series
12:10 – Verizon Indycar Series Grand Prix of Portland
14:15 – Race 2: Pro Mazda
15:20 – Race 2: USF2000
This race spans two whole months!
Too Much Time on My Hands
North American Viewers: The race will be broadcast on the NBC Sports Network, where Leigh Diffey returns from his unexcused absence to join former driver Townsend Bell, the outspoken Paul Tracy, the even more outspoken Robin Miller, and a collection of assorted pitlane reporters. Pre-race festivities should begin something like 30 minutes to 1 hour before the race.
UK Viewers: It’s my understanding that BT Sport or ESPN is carrying the race in the UK.
Dutch Viewers: Thanks to SenorSjon, we know that Ziggo Sport Totaal broadcasts every IndyCar and Nascar race live.
Other Viewers: Check your TV listings! If there is any information you have for all of us that you’d like others to be able to find in the OP, let me know and I’ll update it here.
This would probably be a good time to Indy-cate that Indycar has a mobile app. You can download it using a phone. Pretty much everyone has one. If you’re not sure you do, check your pocket (be careful where you are when doing this). If you’re on a Verizon network it comes with all kinds of additional goodies like onboard cameras and things like that, but I wouldn’t recommend switching to Verizon just for that because they’re only the title sponsor of the series for two more races.
Fortunately ‘Will’ always have something to remember them by.
Where the Hell Were We, Again?
I have no idea. I really don’t! And that’s not a bad thing, because it seems like every weekend this championship’s got a brand new face (from the boys at MTV...!)
I’m pretty sure at this point, Alexander Rossi has been picking up points like a NAPA-sponsored combine harvester. To give you an idea of how scary that is for the opposition, imagine one of those chasing you at 200 mi/h. Yeah. With two wins and a second place in the last three races, he’s flirting dangerously with the mythic forces of Indykarma. If some sort of alien tragicomedy doesn’t end up abducting him before the end of the season, then I’ll be probed by a leprechaun hanging from a mailbox.
Currently attempting to escape the NAPA-combine harvester is the ever-vigilant sample of PNC Bank-sponsored vegetation that is The Sunoco Sorcerer, Scott Dixon. Dixon, after finishing behind Rossi three races in a row, is probably starting get a feeling like that one you get when you send out a very important e-mail without its equally important attachment. Like that plucky field mouse in The Secret of NIMH, Dixon will be looking to disable Robo-Rossi’s points-plow this weekend before his championship challenge comes under any further threat in Sonoma. I’ve included the following schematic to help visualize the situation.
Rossi’s other rival is Will Power, who is actually a pretty handy wheelman when he’s not busy exchanging passive aggressive potshots with Scott Dixon during post-race driver interviews. The only driver who regularly causes his implanted Penske PR chip to ‘un-function’, this year’s 2018 INDY 500 CHAMPION is trying to take this one from behind (as you do). Remember that year Scott Dixon unceremoniously snatched the championship from his grasp after an embarrassing accident at Fontana? No? That’s okay, there are plenty of those to choose from. Make no mistake, though–Will is definitely in with a shot for this one.
That trio rounded out the podium during our last outing at Gateway. Elsewhere we have the rest of the cast, who ended up in various places on the fortune-misfortune spectrum in St. Louis, mostly in ways that summed up their year. In the Seal Master (which my legal team informs me is in fact NOT a beastiality simulator) machine, Sébastien Bourdais ended up in the wall on the first lap of a race in which he looked poised for a good result. Vee-otch, one of Indycar’s two Zachs and captain of the world’s fastest bag of Cheetohs, began a stormy ascent through the field in a drive that would see him end up in the top 5. Reigning champion Josef Newgarden disappeared, Simon Pagenaud did well on an oval, Marco Andretti was slower than all his teammates, and Tony Kanaan, who started racing back when most people still thought the world was flat, found no relief for his struggling AJ Foyt team.
In spite of what sounds like the maintenance of the status quo, it was actually quite the interesting race. Fuel strategy pulverized the field when Ryan Hunter-Reay’s Honda engine lost the fire–oh, f@$k it–FORGOT THE HEAT–and triggered a late yellow which resulted in a cacophony of position changes. While Will Power said ‘screw this sh!t’ and scurried off into the distance, Alex Rossi decided to do the impossible and finish off an economy run that no one believed was possible. Did you hear those explosions during Scott Dixon’s post-race interview? Those weren’t fireworks–there were mind smithereens all up and down pit lane.
So now it’s just this race between us and the finale, which promises to be an event bigger than Frasier Crane’s Humongous Ass Contest. And where’s Fernando Alonso in all this? Not here yet, sorry. Check back on September 5th or something.
You can catch up on last week’s episode here:
Class Averages
1st – Scott Dixon (568 pts)
2nd – Alexander Rossi (542 pts)
3rd – Will Power (500 pts lol)
4th – Josef Newgarden (490 pts)
5th – Ryan Hunter-Reay (421 pts)
6th – Simon Pagenaud (400 pts)
7th – Robert Wickens (391 pts; get well soon)
8th – Graham Rahal (371 pts)
9th – James Hinchcliffe (353 pts)
10th – Sébastien Bourdais (334 pts)
Drivers in italics are still able to win the championship.
Fantasyland
What we have here are the fantasy league standings. In a stunning turn of events, my rookie teammate seems to have overtaken me. I’d like to officially blame it all on the car.
Conor Daly Career Update
This should have totally been a regular thing this year, just saying.
After scraping together enough sponsors to manage a few gigs this year, our resident racing vagabond Conor Daly found himself embroiled in a controversy that likely would’ve sent Archie Bunker to the emergency room. Now that Pietro Fittipaldi is in for the rest of the season at Dale Coyne and eternal Indy 500 bridesmaid Carlos Muñoz will be subbing for the injured Robert Wickens, it seems Conor’s only shot at landing a ride in either of the last two races has been closed off. We’re not sure what he’ll be doing next year, but one thing’s for sure: it probably won’t be with sponsorship from Lilly.
Actual footage of Lilly Diabetes’ PR department in action at Road America last weekend.
You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know
- This year may potentially mark Dallara’s first win at PIR.
- Last time Indycar raced at Portland, a standing start was performed.
- The last race at Portland drew 30,000 spectators on race day.
- This will be only the sixth year the race at PIR will not be broadcast on an ABC/ESPN network in the US. Other US networks which have broadcast the race include CBS and SpikeTV.
- PIR has a habit of producing close finishes. Michael and Mario Andretti finished 0.07 seconds apart in 1986, and in 1997, Mark Blundell, Gil de Ferran, and Raul Boesel finished 0.055 seconds apart.
- This race is promoted by the same company that promoted the St. Pete Grand Prix.
- The longest amount of time this race has ever run was 2:03:54.
- 20354 is the product number for a Lenox brand pocket knife produced by Acme Tools.
Get Well Soon, Robbie!
I’m sure I’m probably not alone in saying this, but we all hope Robert Wickens will recover fully from his injuries and be back in an Indycar before long. Robert’s family has requested that donations to Sam Schmidt’s charities be made to help fund spinal cord injury research through the purchase of stickers and t-shirts from Toronto Motorsports. Another batch of hats is on the way; all proceeds for any of these items will be donated to charity. Additionally, well wishes for Robert can be sent to the following address:
Schmidt Peterson Motorsports
Attn: Veronica Knowlton
6803 Coffman Rd
Indianapolis, IN 46268
Get well soon, Robert! We’re all pulling for you!
Edited by Afterburner, 30 August 2018 - 21:21.
Although yes... 2 of them are Santino and Adolfo Cervix Jr. ... oh well. I'll take it. In preparation for the 28-car grid next yearrrrrrrr!!! 
